They jokes

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

Why does Michael Jackson do positions with kids in photos? Because they won’t do the same for him.

Everybody loves guns!

Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.

If you have anger problems, hit an orphan, because who are they going to tell? Not their parents.

Why do goalkeepers have so much money in the bank?

Because they are really good at saving.

What does a lesbian and a sea turtle have in common?

They both choke on plastic.

Victims of 9/11 are the fastest readers. They went through 94 stories in seconds.

If Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they would be great ALLOYS!

Why don't you fart in an Apple Store?

Because they don't have any Windows.

Q. What's the difference between an assassinated Healthcare CEO and Old Yeller?

A. I cried when they shot Old Yeller.

Are your hairline and forehead old friends, because they go way back?

A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia. The librarian says, "They're right behind you!"

I don't trust atoms. They always make stuff up.

Jonny went to school one day, and later that day his dad got a call saying he needed to pick up his son because he had had sex with a teacher. When Jonny got home, his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike. When they bought the bike, Jonny was offered to ride the bike, but he declined it and replied, "My butt still hurts."

Two boys are wandering in the woods, playing games.

Suddenly, they come across a naked lady, and one of the boys starts running. The other chases after him and asks: "Why did you start running?"

The boy replies with: "My mom said if I ever see a naked lady, then I would turn to stone. And I can already feel a part of me turning hard."

Husband: "Honey, I just bought these special Olympic-style condoms!"

Wife: "Olympic-style condoms? What makes them so special?"

Husband: "They come in three colors: gold, silver, and bronze."

Wife: "Ooh, sweet. What color are you going to wear tonight?"

Husband: "Gold, of course!"

Wife: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."

Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.

"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.

The driver leans over to the other priest, and they whisper between themselves.

Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."

Kobe Bryant and 9/11 are two things I don't joke about because when I do, they tend to crash and burn.

A young man was crossing the road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." The man took the frog, smiled at it, and put it in his wallet.

The frog called out again, "If you kiss me and I turn into a princess, I will live with you for a week and do everything you want." The young man took the frog out, smiled, and put it back.

Then the frog called out, "Okay, okay! I will be with you and do whatever you want forever!" The young man laughed and put it back in his wallet.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is wrong with you? I'm offering to be a beautiful princess! Why won't you kiss me?"

The young man said, "Listen, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."

A man marries a blonde chick, lives a happy life together, and the man asks his wife if she wants kids. She says "yes".

So, a couple of years go by, and they have one boy and one girl. They go to school, go home with their report cards, and the dad asks what their grades were. The son says he's not doing well, same with the daughter. They ask why they're doing so bad in school, and the dad replies with "ask your mother that question!"