They jokes
Why does Michael Jackson do positions with kids in photos? Because they won’t do the same for him.
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
What does a lesbian and a sea turtle have in common?
They both choke on plastic.
Why do goalkeepers have so much money in the bank?
Because they are really good at saving.
Victims of 9/11 are the fastest readers. They went through 94 stories in seconds.
Why can't orphans be gay?
They don't have a closet to come out of.
Q. What's the difference between an assassinated Healthcare CEO and Old Yeller?
A. I cried when they shot Old Yeller.
I don't trust atoms. They always make stuff up.
Jonny went to school one day, and later that day his dad got a call saying he needed to pick up his son because he had had sex with a teacher. When Jonny got home, his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike. When they bought the bike, Jonny was offered to ride the bike, but he declined it and replied, "My butt still hurts."
Two boys are wandering in the woods, playing games.
Suddenly, they come across a naked lady, and one of the boys starts running. The other chases after him and asks: "Why did you start running?"
The boy replies with: "My mom said if I ever see a naked lady, then I would turn to stone. And I can already feel a part of me turning hard."
Husband: "Honey, I just bought these special Olympic-style condoms!"
Wife: "Olympic-style condoms? What makes them so special?"
Husband: "They come in three colors: gold, silver, and bronze."
Wife: "Ooh, sweet. What color are you going to wear tonight?"
Husband: "Gold, of course!"
Wife: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."
Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.
The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.
"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.
The driver leans over to the other priest, and they whisper between themselves.
Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."
Kobe Bryant and 9/11 are two things I don't joke about because when I do, they tend to crash and burn.
A young man was crossing the road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." The man took the frog, smiled at it, and put it in his wallet.
The frog called out again, "If you kiss me and I turn into a princess, I will live with you for a week and do everything you want." The young man took the frog out, smiled, and put it back.
Then the frog called out, "Okay, okay! I will be with you and do whatever you want forever!" The young man laughed and put it back in his wallet.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is wrong with you? I'm offering to be a beautiful princess! Why won't you kiss me?"
The young man said, "Listen, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
The people in the Twin Towers, because they went through over 100 stories in less than 10 minutes.
There was a boy named Sammy, and he was deeply in love with a girl named Rayne. But she didn’t notice him or talk to him. But one day, she did, and they end up liking each other and getting married and lived happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy snuck in Rayne’s house at night and kidnapped her, locked her in his basement, and turned her into a puppet so she'd be with him forever and ever. The End.
What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.
They say watching child porn will get me 20 years in jail. I prefer to think of it as two 10-year-olds.
What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.
What does a priest and a clown have in common?
They both make children cry.