Thereness jokes
Three blondes were walking on a path. The first blonde said, “Hey, look, there are deer tracks!” The second blonde said, “No way, those are totally duck tracks.” The third blonde said, “Nuh uh, those are...” Then they got hit by a train.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Me.
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Well, there are 69 in my basement, and it's still dark.
I was in a bar in Italy. Me and a hot chick got along, so I asked her for her number. I remembered that there was a pen in my pocket, but when I searched, it was nowhere to be found. I turned back, then I saw Pessi running with it. Shame on you, Pessi, for ruining my night! 😭
Do you know why in France there is a cheese named "fromage à râpe?"
Because the cheese got raped.
There were three men in a car: the driver, a homeless man, and a rapper. The driver takes them to the woods and says, "I'm not really a cab driver, I'm a wanted killer." The homeless man says, "I'm not really homeless," and pulls out a chain. The rapper says, "If we're gonna be completely honest, I'm not a rapper, I'm a cop!"
There are 3 men: an American, a French, and an Italian who have to take a trip and take the plane.
The American puts his hand out the window and says: "We are in America, I touched the Statue of Liberty." The French says: "We are in France, I touched the Eiffel Tower." The Italian says: "We are in Italy, I touched the garbage!"
A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.
The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"
The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."
The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."
So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"
The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."
The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.
"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.
There was a woman. She is property. Ha, sucks for that dishwasher.
Roses are red, violets are blue, and if you're my friend, I'll be there till the end.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, A face like yours belongs in the zoo, But don't you worry, I'll be there too, Not in a cage, but laughing at you!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Your mom.
Your mom who?
O shit, my mom's home! Honey, get the f*** out of my house!
Why couldn’t little Susie stay on the swing?
She had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Not Susie.
Why do men sag their pants so low and still wear a belt?
The same reason women bring their purse on a date and don't pay.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because there's too many jokes about Sally.
Have you heard of bees? They're bee-utiful!
Me: That’s a good WAVE.
Friend: I SEA it.
Wave: Doesn't break for us to surf on.
Me: I was SHORE it would be good.
Friend: I SEA what you did there.
What did my dad say before he went to go get milk?
"There's money in my wallet for pizza. I love you."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Your dad.
But my dad's dead.
I know, just reminding you!
Why are there no fat people in Japan?
Last time they had a "Fat Man," 80,000 people died.