Thereness jokes
When you have an ex, you will notice that the word "ex" is short for "executed," so that's there for yous.
Knock, knock.
*takes out penis*
Who is there?
Butthole 😎
China. There. :)
There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.
Mmmm, bread. I love Panera Bread.
This is unrelated, but where I live, there is no Panera Bread. Y'know what that's called?
No Panera Bread.
A bus full of nuns die in a car crash and end up at the pearly gates where Saint Peter greets them, "Hello sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, I must ask you all a question." He asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" Well, she said, "Just once, with the tip of my little finger." "Ok, dip it in the holy water and you can enter." He repeats the question to the second nun. Well, she says, "I might of held one once." "Ok," says St. Peter, "wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter." Just then, there's a commotion down the line. One nun is trying to push in front of another. St. Peter says, "Sister Susan, there is no rush, you will get in." "That's fine," she replies, "but if I have to gargle that stuff, I want to get in before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it."
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.
Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis.
"Knock knock."
Orphan: "Who's there?"
"Not your parents."
Do you wanna know the best thing about 28 year olds?
There are 20 8 year olds.
Did you know that your son has been deeper inside of your wife than you have...unless you put the coat hanger up there?
Look, I didn't hit rock bottom. I gracefully floated down there like Mary Poppins with an umbrella.
The Twin Towers are just like genders.
There used to be two, but now it's a sensitive topic.
There’s a one-story house in which everything is yellow. Yellow walls, yellow doors, yellow furniture. What color are the stairs?
Answer: There aren’t any—it’s a one-story house.
"Knock, knock.""Who's there?""Not your dad."Random kid: "My dad went to get milk. My mom said he will be back soon."
Why did I give the orphan an iPhone 14?
Because there is no home button.
Why are there 30 bullets in one clip?
Because that's the average classroom size.
Do you know why in France there is a cheese named "fromage à râpe?"
Because the cheese got raped.
A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”
“I still don’t get it,” responded Little Johnny.
“Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad.
“Okay then...good night,” said Little Johnny, and went off to bed.
In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother shit in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole, he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad fucking his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is fucking the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"
Isn't there a software company named after your dick?
Microsoft?