Thereness jokes

Chuck Norris has gone to Mars. That's why there is no life on it.

There's one shop orphans can't go to, but what is it?

Home Depot.

Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?

Doctor: The morgue.

Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!

Doctor: And we're not there yet!

Dad: No, Timmy, you don't have to worry, there is no monster sleeping under your bed, it sleeps every night in the bed next to me.

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?

You tell them to clap till their parents come home.

So, there is this button. There's a 50% chance you get a million dollars. There's a 50% chance that you turn into a turtle. Make them press the button, and if they give the money, you just push the orphan over, take their money, and run away because who are they going to tell? Their parents?

Little boy: Momma?

Mom: Yes, my dear.

Little boy: One day I wanna work in McDonald's.

Mom: Why!?

Little boy: Just to see if their ice cream machine is actually broken.

I wanted to fall off a cliff, sadly, there aren't any cliffs near my house.

Dad: I’m taking your toys to the orphanage.

Child: But why?

Dad: Because you’re going to need them there.

What does an orphan have in common with an 80-year-old woman? Their parents will never come back.

Why do orphans dip their cookies in water?

Because their dad never came back with milk. Ohhhhhhhh!

Maybe we should stop talking about orphans, their parents will get ma... oh wait.

Q: How do you turn a cat into a fish?

A: Tell the woman not to wash down there.

What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap?

"There's a great singer inside of you."

There was a disabled kid at my door. He said, "I'm selling some cookies, want to buy one?" I said, "Well, if you stand up, sure."

So, my mom was talking to me and told me to go to the store. When I get there, there’s a sign, but then someone tells me that’s just someone with a ginormous forehead.

Isn't there a software company named after your dick?

Microsoft?

Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.

McDonald's called back and they said they want their logo back.

So there’s this air purifier in my room, right? It’s really noisy, so I unplugged it to sleep better, and sure enough, I fell asleep faster. So I came to the conclusion: if I unplug noisy machines, people will sleep better.

It worked really well in my local hospital.