Them jokes
Why are most firefighters men? Because they like to find hot places and leave them wet.
I get so many things stuck in my head, though, unfortunately none of them were a bullet.
What's the difference between my arm and legs? Nothing. I slit both of them.
What's the difference between China and New York City?
In China, the Asians ride ON the trains. In New York City, they usually end up riding UNDER them.
What do orgasms and impulses have in common?
I don’t care if they have either of them.
How many babies does it take to paint a barn red? Well, it depends on how hard you throw them.
What did Gordon Ramsay say to Hitler?
“Oh my god, put them back in the damn ovens! They’re so under-cooked they’re writing fucking diaries!”
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
You tell them to clap till their parents come home.
If there are 4 Mexicans in a van, which of them is driving?
None of them. Immigration service is.
Why do orphans not like the movie Frozen?
Because for them, love isn't an open door.
What is the difference between a banana and a helicopter? Neither of them is a police officer.
I walked into an orphanage and asked a kid why they were crying.
They said: "Because I lost my parents."
I said: "Let's find them."
They cried harder, so I walked out of the orphanage.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
Tell them to clap until they see their parents.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have five fingers, two of them are for you.
All of these jokes are so dark, I'm surprised cops haven't shot them.
What has teeth but doesn't use them to chew? The answer would be a comb or a piano, but technically, if you ripped someone's teeth out and hand them to them, they have teeth but can't chew with them.
Me: I asked an orphan where his parents were. I also said that I promised to take him to them.
Orphan: They're dead.
Me: A promise made is a promise kept.
One time, I worked at the zoo and I was feeding the monkeys.
And one of them μяɨɲąţ€ď on me.
And I went to the hospital and got a bloody nose the next day.
Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."
This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"
Q: What's the best thing about fucking 28 year olds?
A: There's 20 of them.