Them jokes

What's common between the penis and a Rubik's cube?

Both get hard when we play with them.

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

"Nun" means no one likes them. Just take off that dumb hood!

Why are life and a penis alike?

Women make both of them hard.

I'd like to have kids one day.

I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

Why do orphans do so well in life?

When people told them "Go big or go home," they only had one option.

Why are graveyards so popular? Because people are always dying to get into them.

"Don't sneeze!"

Every time I was in the bathroom with my friends, I would always tell them, "Don't sneeze!" and when I did, they just laughed so hard. And when we sneezed, we laughed even harder.

Also,

"It dangles and swung!"

Language art quizzes are the best.

I have so many cash machine jokes.

But none of them seem to work ATM.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

Why are orphans good at dodge ball?

Because no one misses them.

If a depressed kid tries to high five a tree, it leaves them hanging.

Dark humor is like having parents, not everybody gets them.

Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.

You can get the park in the park with you if I have park in your car, and I will be there in a couple of hours. Would you be able to pick them out at your house, and I will pick you up, and I will be at your place at your convenience. I can get them in a little while. I’m at the park. Bye.

Here's what to do if an annoying person keeps talking to you. First, ignore them until they ask you if you're going to respond. Then ask them: if they were walking down the street and a rabid dog suddenly started barking at them, would they get on all fours and bark back? After that, continue to ignore them.

"My wife is so crazy," said Beatem's McSmasher.

"Why?" asked his buddy Don Caretomarch.

"She's sitting on the front verandah packing my shit in boxes!"

"You getting kicked out, bro?"

"Yeah, all I did was break every plate in the house over her head. Some people have no sense of humor."

"Is she one of them woke bitches?"

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are robbing a bank. The police are soon after them, so they hide in a bunch of barrels.

The police arrive and search the area. They come over to the barrel where the brunette is hiding and kicks it. The brunette says, "Woof."

"Oh, it's just a dog," says the police officer, and then kicks the second barrel where the redhead is hidden. The redhead says, "Meow."

"Oh, it's just a cat," says the officer, then kicks the last barrel where the blonde is hidden. The blonde says, "Potato."

A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library. When we returned them, he said, "Your sister works the returns, right?" I told him, "Yes, she does, and she will be here in about five minutes." He said, "Why don’t we put a cookbook in the women’s sports section?" I told him, "I love it!" So I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.

High school crush: Why do you always look so sad?

Me: My mom is dead, and my favorite grandma, and my uncle killed both of them, and now he's in jail.

High school crush: Shit. Sorry about that.

Me: And my crush hasn't asked me out.

High school crush: Who is it?

Me: You.

Him: Goodbye (as he runs away and never comes back)

Me: Fuck that.