That jokes
I just heard that the inventor of the autocorrect died the other day.
May he rest in pizza.
The good thing about being gay in school is that you can be the best student and still get all the D's.
You're so fat that you only know 3 letters: KFC.
When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:
"Looks like I am going back to the future!"
Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”
Memes
me when i realized that buildings don't make earth any heavier cuz all the materials were already used on it.
What do you call a large lamp that does illicit things to young children?
A Jacko Lantern!
People trying to stop me from being depressed: “Just cheer up!”
Me: “WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!”
Boobs are like batteries...
AA will get the job done...
C is bigger than AA...
D is bigger that C...
...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!
Your forehead is so big that it's visible on the world map!
- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.
- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.
- Oh...that might actually be even easier.
People say that they can read people's faces; then how come nobody sees me breaking inside?
School teacher: "Hey kid, why don't you just go home to your family?"
Orphan: "My family never came back for me."
School teacher: "Your daddy must've really needed that milk."
I hope death is a woman That way she'll never look at me twice
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine! Lol.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalffeinated.
As a scientist, I confirm that you speak too fast. It has a speed of 1 bullshit per second.
If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...
...is that a romantic jester?
You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.
But I also think I screwed it up.
Ejaculated in her braces, call that children behind bars.