That jokes

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.

Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.

I think it’s dumb that people say a woman belongs in the kitchen.

How else is the rest of the house going to get cleaned?

You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.

But I also think I screwed it up.

What do you call a large lamp that does illicit things to young children?

A Jacko Lantern!

People trying to stop me from being depressed: “Just cheer up!”

Me: “WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!”

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine! Lol.

- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.

- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.

- Oh...that might actually be even easier.

People say that they can read people's faces; then how come nobody sees me breaking inside?

School teacher: "Hey kid, why don't you just go home to your family?"

Orphan: "My family never came back for me."

School teacher: "Your daddy must've really needed that milk."

I hope death is a woman That way she'll never look at me twice

Ejaculated in her braces, call that children behind bars.

You wanna know proof that cats don't always land on their feet? Well then, watch The Lion King.

You're so fat that you only know 3 letters: KFC.

I just heard that the inventor of the autocorrect died the other day.

May he rest in pizza.

The good thing about being gay in school is that you can be the best student and still get all the D's.

Your forehead is so big that it's visible on the world map!

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

Boobs are like batteries...

AA will get the job done...

C is bigger than AA...

D is bigger that C...

...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!

When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:

"Looks like I am going back to the future!"