That jokes

You know that if it says, "Adopt a Highway" and no one does, we're driving on orphans.

What's the difference between yo mama and a fat ugly pig? - I never fucked that fat ugly pig...

Why don't women parachute naked?

That annoying whistling sound on the way down.

Did you know that a majority of the U.S. is afraid of the dark?

Especially if they are right behind you at the ATM.

You're so skinny that the professor thought you were the skeleton.

My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.

Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

my therapist told me that time heals wounds i stabbed him now we wait

Does Eminem like M\&M's? Cause if he didn't, that would be like "they're" not liking "there."

Why don’t old people have sex?

When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?

Q: What did Chris Brown say when he first saw Rhianna?

A: I'd hit that.

You're so scary that even your hairline ran away.

What happened to the frog that partied illegally?

He got TOAD away!

There are a lot of things that explode... like cars, boats, the Twin Towers.

I got told I'm too mean and that I need to think before I speak. So now I take a couple minutes and think of what will REALLY piss the other person off.

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

Roses or daisies? Now I know what flowers to put on your casket when I murder that pussy.

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "He was a little tardy."

I replied to her, "I thought they all were."

I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...

... the first two being politics and religion.