People say that they can read people's faces; then how come nobody sees me breaking inside?
That Jokes
I hope death is a woman That way she'll never look at me twice
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine! Lol.
School teacher: "Hey kid, why don't you just go home to your family?"
Orphan: "My family never came back for me."
School teacher: "Your daddy must've really needed that milk."
"This morning, I came out my front door to see my neighbor frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray-painted on his front window."
"What's been going on, John?" I asked.
"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.
The dirty bastard!
The good thing about being gay in school is that you can be the best student and still get all the D's.
Your hairline's so messed up that even Martin Luther King Jr. couldn't have a dream about it.
People trying to stop me from being depressed: βJust cheer up!β
Me: βWOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!β
Your forehead is so big that it's visible on the world map!
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...
...is that a romantic jester?
As a scientist, I confirm that you speak too fast. It has a speed of 1 bullshit per second.
Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.
I think itβs dumb that people say a woman belongs in the kitchen.
How else is the rest of the house going to get cleaned?
Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.
You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.
But I also think I screwed it up.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalffeinated.
Roses are red, pussies are wet, when it goes in he gets upset. She said it's too small, so that's all. But later that day, he wanted to say, "Every time I play, no one complains, so she was just lying." She started flying, went out of her seat, the skirt went up, the greatest of them all. Everyone said, "Fly away big chunky balls."
Seeing one of her students making faces at others in the playground, Mrs. Matthews stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."
The student looked up and replied, "Well, you canβt say you werenβt warned, Mrs. Matthews!"
Jonny went to school one day, and later that day his dad got a call saying he needed to pick up his son because he had had sex with a teacher. When Jonny got home, his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike. When they bought the bike, Jonny was offered to ride the bike, but he declined it and replied, "My butt still hurts."
