That jokes

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...

... the first two being politics and religion.

What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?

“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "He was a little tardy."

I replied to her, "I thought they all were."

Teacher: Okay class, what's a word that begins with A?

Student: Apple!

Teacher: Good! What's a word beginning with B?

Student:....Bitch...

Chuck Norris' dick is so big that it has its own dick. And his dick's dick is still bigger than Bruce Lee.

Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.

I think it’s dumb that people say a woman belongs in the kitchen.

How else is the rest of the house going to get cleaned?

Why do people come on here just to say that we should not be making these jokes? They literally look this shit up just to complain.

You wanna know proof that cats don't always land on their feet? Well then, watch The Lion King.

I just heard that the inventor of the autocorrect died the other day.

May he rest in pizza.

The good thing about being gay in school is that you can be the best student and still get all the D's.

You're so fat that you only know 3 letters: KFC.

When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:

"Looks like I am going back to the future!"

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

What do you call a large lamp that does illicit things to young children?

A Jacko Lantern!

People trying to stop me from being depressed: “Just cheer up!”

Me: “WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!”

Boobs are like batteries...

AA will get the job done...

C is bigger than AA...

D is bigger that C...

...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!