That jokes

My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

You're so skinny that the professor thought you were the skeleton.

You look sexy with that rope around your neck.

Y'know that foundation called "Autism Speaks"? No, it screeches.

You're so scary that even your hairline ran away.

Why don’t old people have sex?

When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?

my therapist told me that time heals wounds i stabbed him now we wait

Why don't women parachute naked?

That annoying whistling sound on the way down.

Does Eminem like M\&M's? Cause if he didn't, that would be like "they're" not liking "there."

Did you know that a majority of the U.S. is afraid of the dark?

Especially if they are right behind you at the ATM.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

Did you know that people say Michael Jackson only became a pedophile when he was white?

Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.

What happened to the frog that partied illegally?

He got TOAD away!

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

There are a lot of things that explode... like cars, boats, the Twin Towers.

I got told I'm too mean and that I need to think before I speak. So now I take a couple minutes and think of what will REALLY piss the other person off.

I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...

... the first two being politics and religion.

Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 9/11 victims?

Well, probably the person in front of them.

What's the difference between yo mama and a fat ugly pig? - I never fucked that fat ugly pig...