That jokes

A man needs to leave for a lengthy business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts, “Voodoo Dick, the door!” The wooden penis flies across the room and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cashier’s desk, and once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box, and the cashier closes the lid. The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands; it is far too powerful to be moved by hand,” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!” The man nods and heads home.

Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip. A few days later, the wife becomes very horny and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout, “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can, but just can’t get it out. The wife panics and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims, “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina, and it won’t come out!” The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief. “Voodoo Dick my ass!” The Voodoo Dick then flies out of the woman's vagina and inside the officer's ass. The officer says, “WHAT THE HELL! GET THIS THING OUT OF MY ASSHOLE!” The woman laughs and replies, “Thanks, officer,” and turns around and goes home.

So you wanna play like that, ayy? Well, Sydney didn't wanna play like that either, and that's why you got arrested.

This is not a joke. Have you ever thought about it? You’re an emo while wearing black. So what if you are black? Does that mean you’re an emo because you are black and emos wear black? ;)

Incest is wincest. (That was above.)

Fun for the whole family!

Next of kin, count me in!

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to the men he took home that said they were hungry? "I've got Ben and Jerry's in the freezer."

There once was a boy named Sammy who loved this girl beyond belief. Her name was Rayne, but she didn’t notice him and or talk to him, but one day she did and they ended up liking each other and getting married and living happily... wait, no, that’s not right.

Sammy actually snuck into Rayne’s house one day and kidnapped her and locked her in his basement and made her into a puppet so he could keep her forever and ever. The End.

I drew a fist on a body, and then I drew a guy saying to him, "That dude's a knucklehead!"

I'll never forget my mother's last words: "What are you doing with that sledgehammer?"

I went to a book store yesterday and I saw a book that said "how to solve 50% of your problems." So I bought 2.

God: ok, what if I made an evil land octopus that could walk on walls?

When you run over a speed bump in a school zone and you remember that there are no speed bumps.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting "9"!

That’s the best I’ve done so far.

I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work.

Son: Hey, Dad, why is my name Dick?

Dad: Oh, because a dick fell on you when you were born.

Son: Ohhhhh, so that's why I'm gay.

What made me laugh?

The fact that my life is a joke."

People joking about 9/11.

Random kid: "You shouldn’t joke about that! I lost my dad on 9/11."

Oh.

"Yeah, he was the greatest pilot ever!"

I'm going to destroy your momma's [vulgar term] just like I destroyed that Tastykake.

You think your friends get butthurt?

That's gay guys.

What's the only punch that can knock out a 21 year old?

A Sandy Hook.

It looks like Kevin Magnussen finally got pole position.

He has the bragging rights that he took over Russia now.