That jokes

I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.

Nah, I'm Hawaiian but I'm also Japanese. So does that mean I bombed my own harbor?

I asked the emo kid if he was depressed that his phone died before him.

What’s black and white and red all over?

A crushed nun!

What’s that black stuff between an elephants toes?

Slow natives.

Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.

Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

Your hairline retreats from your face just like all the guys that look at you.

Your hairline goes so far back that it was getting whipped in the 1800s.

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.

Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.

Bill Clinton and Joe Biden are on a sinking ship.

Joe Biden says we need to save the women and children. Bill Clinton says, "Screw the women and children." Joe Biden says, "Do we have that much time?"

I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.

I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.

I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"

What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?

"Damn, that's really stiff!"

You ever notice that the USA could be a part of Russia?

RUSSIA US A

The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

Yo mama so fat that when she steps into an elevator, she has to go down.

Yo mama's so poor that when I was walking down the street, I saw her kicking the trash can, and I asked, "What are you doing?" She said, "I'm moving!"

If you text your crush and they leave you on read, just know that "read" has four letters. You know what also has four letters? "Mine." So that basically means that you are theirs. :)

What do you call a teddy bear that fooled you?

Stuffed.