That jokes

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.

I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.

Guys, I know how to stop racism. Delete the word "racism." People can't be something that doesn't exist.

I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.

I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?

That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.

There's only 3 types of people: the ones who can count and the ones that can't.

My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.

Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.

Bill Clinton and Joe Biden are on a sinking ship.

Joe Biden says we need to save the women and children. Bill Clinton says, "Screw the women and children." Joe Biden says, "Do we have that much time?"

What do you call a hippopotamus that stands out from the crowd?

A hipster!

Your mom: Your plate is full, that's enough food on your plate.

Me: My plate is not full, I still see the white of the plate.

What do you call a cow that no one likes? The mooser.

If my cat were a cactus, doesn't that make him the catus?

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."

Be grateful:

You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.

What do you call a chicken that catches ghosts? A poultrygeist.

When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.

I said that I have been ill.

Did you hear about the delivery boy that worked for that Italian Restaurant down the street?

Yeah, he Pasta-Way.

Yo momma's so hairy that when the baby came out, it got rug burn.