Tell jokes
This man walks into a bar and says, "How do I get service here?"
The assistant bar attendant tells him to take a seat as the bartender will be there to serve him shortly. After 2 minutes, the man says this is ridiculous, that he has to wait. The assistant then offers him a bar snack of free nuts, which the man duly eats. Another 2 minutes go by, and the man then says, "OK, I get it, no service of beer, but free nuts," to which the assistant says, "Hell no, the game starts in 10 minutes." Everyone laughs and claps.
A duck walks into a bar and buys everyone a round. He tells the bartender, “Put it on my bill.”
When your girlfriend tells you she's a guy: "What, bitch? Naw, hell no!"
My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.
Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.
Not a joke but there's nowhere else to post this, (mainly this post is for the broke people without a gym). Did you know that the body can't tell if you're using weights? So lifting weights are optional.
Some beginner workouts without weights for like really weak people:
1. Sit-ups 10 reps 2. Push-ups 20 per reps 3. Squats 10 per reps 4. Crunches 10 per reps
Iran: Prepare the FINAL SOLUTION.
Israel: And you'll be telling the whole world, "I-RAN AWAY!"
If you ever get bored, just punch an orphan in the face. What's he going to do? Tell his parents?
What do you call a booty that tells jokes?
A crack-up!
Why do they tell actors to "break a leg"?
Because every play has a cast.
Why are the same Sally jokes told over and over again? Because how can you tell jokes about someone who's dead?
Why did Steven Hawking only tell one-liners?
Because he couldn't do standup.
How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?
Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.
I would tell a joke about Kobe, but it wouldn’t really land well.
We better stop telling orphan jokes because their parents will get mad. Oh... wait... never mind.
Q: Why is it fun to hit an orphan?
A: Who are they going to tell, their parents?
I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.
Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."
I can tell a joke :)
Twinkle, twinkle, there's a car Coming like a shooting star. I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.
How to kick a deaf person off the plane:
Step 1: Pretend to yell and get some friends to do it, too.
Step 2: Tell your friends to raise both of their hands.
Step 3: He's out of the plane on a parachute.
How do you get 100 dead babies into a tub? Put them in the blender.
How do you get them out of the tub? Give mexicans tortilla chips and tell them theres salsa in the tub.
How do you leave an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow!