Tell jokes

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad.

I’m a faux pa.

Why can't you tell an Indian a secret? Because the red dot means they're recording!

I love telling dad jokes. He always laughs.

If your wife has boxes and boxes ending up at your front door from her online shopping habit, tell her that you’ve only had one box through the marriage and that she should be happy.

I used to believe everything in the Bible until I read about the Jew giving out the free fish.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.

Man: How do you prepare your chicken?

Waiter: Nothing special, we just tell them they’re going to die.

My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.

How I Punch my Brother: Wooden Sword.

How he is telling Dad: Diamond Sword.

How hard my Dad is gonna punch me: Warden Punch.

"Hey, don’t take my toy! What are you going to tell your parents?"

When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?

My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.

How do you get an orphan to go to sleep?

Tell them their parents are waiting when they wake up.

A hot woman is ready to jump from a bridge and commit suicide when an ugly, stinky homeless man comes up to her and tells her, "Oh baby, you so hot, let's fuck!"

She just yells, "Get the fuck away, you creep!"

He just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."

Why is it okay to hit orphans?

It's not like they can tell their parents.

I walked into an orphanage and a kid was crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said some kids were bullying him. I told him to go tell his parents.

Don't ever tell somebody depressed to try again.

I got sent to the principal's office after telling the kid in the wheelchair to do a wheelie.

Tell an old person to pretend [they are] shaking salt in their mouth... you'll see!

Why can't orphans really play baseball?

Because when they do, all the other kids tell that joke that everyone has heard more than 50 times.