Surprise jokes
Your mom wants to tell you that you're adopted, but you were an orphan.
My dog went through my bathroom garbage, and for some reason, my sister put a bunch of ketchup packets in there...
Oh, brother!
I caught my wife having s*x with another guy.
In China, just when you think you know everything... then boooom.
A gay chicken... hahaha.
Mia: I'm pregnant again, Paul. I can't wait for you to come home.
Paul: I got a tree to hit on the way.
My friend's dad went to jail. He's just surprised because he can finally find him!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Your mom.
Your mom who?
O shit, my mom's home! Honey, get the f*** out of my house!
Why were the people in the Twin Towers upset? They ordered pepperoni pizza, but instead they got plane.
Me: Hey Jim!
Jim: I'm now a cannibal.
Me: WAIT, JIM! N-
Jack and Jill went up a hill so Jill could lick Jack's candystick, but Jill got a surprise when she saw her boyfriend Rik. He got so angry Jack has no candystick no more. Jill went home with a black eye, and Rik got arrested for cutting Jack's candystick.
I remember my mom's last words before her divorce, "Did you just load in me?"
If you're reading this right now, Then the joke's on you, Because I'm right behind ya, mothafucka!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'm laughing because you look like a monkey.
No, seriously,
I'm right behind ya.
Brian was shopping at a mall. He hopped onto an escalator. Next to him were two people having an argument. Eventually, one of them pulled out a pocket knife threatening to stab the other. Brian murmured "Well, that escalated quickly..."
My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.
A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"
I walk in on my mum and she's in the middle of pulling off my dad's boxers. I said, "Mum, you really spoil those dogs!"
This morning, I was in the kitchen, and I saw a whole bunch of leftover brownies made from scratch. I just tasted one and spit it out because somebody put some goddamn weed in them, what the fuck!
That moment when you think the music is loud enough to fart and no one would notice, but then you realize that you have headphones on.
One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.
I don't understand why people hide under their blankets. It's not like the killer's gonna be like, "I'm gonna kill-....ahh man he's under his blanket."