Suicide jokes

So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.

What did the suicidal guy say to his audience?

What did the suicidal guy say to his audience?

We are all just suicidal kids telling other kids not to do it.

I wouldn't call a Suicide Help-line even if my life depended on it.

When you commit suicide in your house, that's suicide, but when you commit suicide outside, you failed your parkour.

There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

Thanks to the voice who keeps telling me to let go,

he is my only motivation for trying again.

I have to say my humor isn't the best, but I'll give this a go.

My science teacher always reminded us about kilometers per second. Now I want to kilometer per second.

You know those credit card inserters at Walgreens? I want to insert my credit card on my wrist.

I'll shut up now.

Me, calls the police*

Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!

Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.

Me: Why, so you can then stop me?

Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!

Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!

Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!

Suicide

What is a suicidal horny person's job?

A butcher.

What does the suicidal person say on New Years?

"New year, no me."

"Mitchnite burger."

What's a suicidal person's favorite drink?

The depressay expressay.

Just kidding, bleach!

People say dogs are like their owners. So true. My dog keeps on running into the street as if she doesn't care about her life.

I don't care about her life either hahahaha!! :)

I have a friend who's a suicide bomber. He's a blast at parties.

My suicidal friend said he liked trains, so we took him to the tracks.

What's the difference between me and a corpse? I mean, I'm not dead... yet, right?

Roses are red, violets are blue, you know what else is violent? Suicide with me and you.