Suicide jokes

I'm thinking of getting a job as a gardener--pushing up the daisies!

How do you know all suicide bombers self-identify as being old?

They are all boomers in the end.

Call me an edgelord because I'm gonna impale myself on the edge of a spear.

If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.

A boy tried to give a tree a high-five, but instead, he ended up hanging.

What is the last thing that goes through a suicide bomber's mind?

His arse.

I’m going to reenact the ending of Saw (2004), except I won’t stand up and shut the door.

Thanks to the voice who keeps telling me to let go,

he is my only motivation for trying again.

So there was a reason why I hated math.

I suck at problem-solving.

What's the difference between an orgy and mass suicide?

When exactly my cult members drink the Kool-Aid.

There's two reasons guys will hang themselves from the neck.

One is to escape the worthless masquerade of a life we pretend we have, and the second reason is to whack off.

I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold. They left him hanging.

What's worse than a failed suicide, you ask?

I fail suicide because you forgot to do the dishes and your parents come after you and they're the ones to kill you, not yourself.

If you call the number 800-273-8500 in Afghanistan, they say, "Can you fly a plane?"

What do suicidal people and apples have in common?

They both hang from trees.

One day my friend said: "I want tacos from Katie's, you?" and I said no thanks and she left. I never saw her again. Today I remember that I saw her name on TV as one of the victims of suicide, then I remember her and my motto: "If I'm dying, you're dying with me, you got no choice." I NEVER ate tacos from Katie's again.

A hot girl wants to commit suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly, smelly, homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says, "Hey you hot babe, let's fuck." She just answers, "Get the fuck away you ugly bastard." The guy just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."

A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."

Why can't a dodo fly? Cus it suicided when it saw you will be born soon.

Me and my suicidal friend are close, so I took him to the mall to treat him.

We bought snacks, a new controller for his Xbox, and LED lights for his room to hopefully brighten his mood. After we scanned the last item, the machine beeped by itself.