Suicide jokes

How do you know the hooker killed herself?

She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.

"I wish I was either Christmas lights or a mistletoe."

"Why?"

"Because I want to hang!"

Mom: That's why your dad left you.

Me: Why?

Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.

Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!

Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!

(This actually did happen in real life.)

People see this Rolex and they kill themselves.

Motherfucker, that's a suicide watch!

I have a joke about suicide, but I’ll just let it hang.

What is my most popular side of myself?

Suicide.

What kills you?

Suicide.

I'm thinking of getting a job as a gardener--pushing up the daisies!

How do you know all suicide bombers self-identify as being old?

They are all boomers in the end.

If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.

Thanks to the voice who keeps telling me to let go,

he is my only motivation for trying again.

So there was a reason why I hated math.

I suck at problem-solving.

I’m going to reenact the ending of Saw (2004), except I won’t stand up and shut the door.

Call me an edgelord because I'm gonna impale myself on the edge of a spear.

What's the difference between an orgy and mass suicide?

When exactly my cult members drink the Kool-Aid.

There's two reasons guys will hang themselves from the neck.

One is to escape the worthless masquerade of a life we pretend we have, and the second reason is to whack off.

A boy tried to give a tree a high-five, but instead, he ended up hanging.

What is the last thing that goes through a suicide bomber's mind?

His arse.

A hot girl wants to commit suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly, smelly, homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says, "Hey you hot babe, let's fuck." She just answers, "Get the fuck away you ugly bastard." The guy just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."

I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold. They left him hanging.