Suicide jokes

People see this Rolex and they kill themselves.

Motherfucker, that's a suicide watch!

What kills you?

Suicide.

What is my most popular side of myself?

Suicide.

I have a joke about suicide, but I’ll just let it hang.

I'm thinking of getting a job as a gardener--pushing up the daisies!

How do you know all suicide bombers self-identify as being old?

They are all boomers in the end.

What's the difference between an orgy and mass suicide?

When exactly my cult members drink the Kool-Aid.

Thanks to the voice who keeps telling me to let go,

he is my only motivation for trying again.

So there was a reason why I hated math.

I suck at problem-solving.

There's two reasons guys will hang themselves from the neck.

One is to escape the worthless masquerade of a life we pretend we have, and the second reason is to whack off.

If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.

What is the last thing that goes through a suicide bomber's mind?

His arse.

A boy tried to give a tree a high-five, but instead, he ended up hanging.

I’m going to reenact the ending of Saw (2004), except I won’t stand up and shut the door.

Call me an edgelord because I'm gonna impale myself on the edge of a spear.

I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold. They left him hanging.

A hot girl wants to commit suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly, smelly, homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says, "Hey you hot babe, let's fuck." She just answers, "Get the fuck away you ugly bastard." The guy just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."

What's worse than a failed suicide, you ask?

I fail suicide because you forgot to do the dishes and your parents come after you and they're the ones to kill you, not yourself.

If you call the number 800-273-8500 in Afghanistan, they say, "Can you fly a plane?"

What do suicidal people and apples have in common?

They both hang from trees.