Suicide jokes

I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.

Why did the math book kill itself?

It had too many problems.

"Suicide is a murder, and my body should go to jail."

Mom: That's why your dad left you.

Me: Why?

Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.

Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!

Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!

(This actually did happen in real life.)

I'm just like my LEDs, I'm meant to be hung.

I went to Starbucks today and they asked what I wanted, and I replied with "to die, a shot of bleach, and an deppresso expresso."

Me, calls the police*

Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!

Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.

Me: Why, so you can then stop me?

Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!

Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!

Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!

What do I and a brand new chandelier have in common?

One of these days, we’re both gonna be hanging from the ceiling.

If you jump off a building and yell "parkour," how can they tell that it was intentional? T'was a failed stunt.

I wonder if any of these people are still alive.

Anyways,

When I arrived at the pearly gates when I died, the guardian asked me how I died. I told him I was just hanging around.

I gave my friend some paper. It cut his wrists.

Four kids at my school tried suicide and failed. They are now known as the Suicide Squad.

They all call it self-baptism. I call it failed suicide.

How do you know the hooker killed herself?

She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.

"I wish I was either Christmas lights or a mistletoe."

"Why?"

"Because I want to hang!"

A suicidal customer walks into a gun store.

Cashier: Is this your final purchase?

Customer: Actually, yes it is!

What's a suicidal person's favorite type of bath bomb?

A toaster.

People see this Rolex and they kill themselves.

Motherfucker, that's a suicide watch!

What is my most popular side of myself?

Suicide.

What kills you?

Suicide.