Suicide jokes
Why did the math book kill itself?
It had too many problems.
I was trying to hang the lights when I accidentally kicked the chair.
An emo man asked a librarian for a suicide book. She said no because you won't bring it back.
Depressed procrastinators feel like they wanna kill themselves sometime soon.
I would go suck some titties, but I’d rather die from being shot than cancer.
"Suicide is a murder, and my body should go to jail."
I'm just like my LEDs, I'm meant to be hung.
I went to Starbucks today and they asked what I wanted, and I replied with "to die, a shot of bleach, and an deppresso expresso."
Me, calls the police*
Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!
Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.
Me: Why, so you can then stop me?
Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!
Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!
Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!
What does a depressed kid who loves geometry use to kill themself?
A hypoteNUSE!
What's a suicidal person's favorite type of bath bomb?
A toaster.
What do I and a brand new chandelier have in common?
One of these days, we’re both gonna be hanging from the ceiling.
Why do trannies suck at being soldiers? Because they have a 41% casualty rate.
If a pregnant emo kills herself, is it murder-suicide?
I wonder if any of these people are still alive.
Anyways,
When I arrived at the pearly gates when I died, the guardian asked me how I died. I told him I was just hanging around.
They all call it self-baptism. I call it failed suicide.
If you jump off a building and yell "parkour," how can they tell that it was intentional? T'was a failed stunt.
How do you know the hooker killed herself?
She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.
"I wish I was either Christmas lights or a mistletoe."
"Why?"
"Because I want to hang!"
A suicidal customer walks into a gun store.
Cashier: Is this your final purchase?
Customer: Actually, yes it is!