Depressed procrastinators feel like they wanna kill themselves sometime soon.
"Suicide is a murder, and my body should go to jail."
Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)
I'm just like my LEDs, I'm meant to be hung.
I went to Starbucks today and they asked what I wanted, and I replied with "to die, a shot of bleach, and an deppresso expresso."
Me, calls the police*
Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!
Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.
Me: Why, so you can then stop me?
Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!
Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!
Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!
What do I and a brand new chandelier have in common?
One of these days, we’re both gonna be hanging from the ceiling.
If you jump off a building and yell "parkour," how can they tell that it was intentional? T'was a failed stunt.
I wonder if any of these people are still alive.
Anyways,
When I arrived at the pearly gates when I died, the guardian asked me how I died. I told him I was just hanging around.
Four kids at my school tried suicide and failed. They are now known as the Suicide Squad.
I gave my friend some paper. It cut his wrists.
"I wish I was either Christmas lights or a mistletoe."
"Why?"
"Because I want to hang!"
What's a suicidal persons favorite type of bath bomb? A toaster
A suicidal customer walks into a gun store.
Cashier: Is this your final purchase?
Customer: Actually, yes it is!
They all call it self baptism I call it failed suicide
How do you know the hooker killed herself?
She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.
If a baby dies in the womb, is it considered suicide?
People see this Rolex and they kill themselves.
Motherfucker, that's a suicide watch!
What is my most popular side of myself?
Suicide.
what kills you????
suicide
