Suicide jokes

Why did the math book kill itself?

It had too many problems.

I would go suck some titties, but I’d rather die from being shot than cancer.

I was trying to hang the lights when I accidentally kicked the chair.

An emo man asked a librarian for a suicide book. She said no because you won't bring it back.

Depressed procrastinators feel like they wanna kill themselves sometime soon.

"Suicide is a murder, and my body should go to jail."

I'm just like my LEDs, I'm meant to be hung.

I went to Starbucks today and they asked what I wanted, and I replied with "to die, a shot of bleach, and an deppresso expresso."

Me, calls the police*

Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!

Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.

Me: Why, so you can then stop me?

Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!

Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!

Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!

A suicidal customer walks into a gun store.

Cashier: Is this your final purchase?

Customer: Actually, yes it is!

What do I and a brand new chandelier have in common?

One of these days, we’re both gonna be hanging from the ceiling.

What's a suicidal person's favorite type of bath bomb?

A toaster.

If you jump off a building and yell "parkour," how can they tell that it was intentional? T'was a failed stunt.

"I wish I was either Christmas lights or a mistletoe."

"Why?"

"Because I want to hang!"

How do you know the hooker killed herself?

She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.

If a pregnant emo kills herself, is it murder-suicide?

They all call it self-baptism. I call it failed suicide.

I wonder if any of these people are still alive.

Anyways,

When I arrived at the pearly gates when I died, the guardian asked me how I died. I told him I was just hanging around.

I gave my friend some paper. It cut his wrists.

Four kids at my school tried suicide and failed. They are now known as the Suicide Squad.