Suicide jokes
An emo man asked a librarian for a suicide book. She said no because you won't bring it back.
I would go suck some titties, but I’d rather die from being shot than cancer.
Depressed procrastinators feel like they wanna kill themselves sometime soon.
Why did the math book kill itself?
It had too many problems.
I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.
"Suicide is a murder, and my body should go to jail."
I'm just like my LEDs, I'm meant to be hung.
I went to Starbucks today and they asked what I wanted, and I replied with "to die, a shot of bleach, and an deppresso expresso."
Me, calls the police*
Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!
Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.
Me: Why, so you can then stop me?
Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!
Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!
Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!
"I wish I was either Christmas lights or a mistletoe."
"Why?"
"Because I want to hang!"
How do you know the hooker killed herself?
She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.
What does a depressed kid who loves geometry use to kill themself?
A hypoteNUSE!
If a pregnant emo kills herself, is it murder-suicide?
A suicidal customer walks into a gun store.
Cashier: Is this your final purchase?
Customer: Actually, yes it is!
What's a suicidal person's favorite type of bath bomb?
A toaster.
What do I and a brand new chandelier have in common?
One of these days, we’re both gonna be hanging from the ceiling.
I wonder if any of these people are still alive.
Anyways,
When I arrived at the pearly gates when I died, the guardian asked me how I died. I told him I was just hanging around.
Four kids at my school tried suicide and failed. They are now known as the Suicide Squad.
I gave my friend some paper. It cut his wrists.
They all call it self-baptism. I call it failed suicide.