Suicide jokes

The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office.

"I'm feeling like killing myself," he said.

"Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.

What’s the worst thing about being suicidal?

The school shooter will always spare you.

My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"

Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.

There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.

I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.

If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.

Said the man angered to his wife:

"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"

When you accidentally turn in your suicide note instead of your essay to the teacher, but she still gives you an A.

Wait, that's me.

Why did the Emo Chicken cross the road?

To get hit by a car.

"When is the best time to commit suicide?"

Ate a Glock in the morning.

What's a suicidal person's favorite type of bath bomb?

A toaster.

A suicidal customer walks into a gun store.

Cashier: Is this your final purchase?

Customer: Actually, yes it is!

I've been hit by several things in my life.

Sadly, never a car.

Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He got the gas bill.

What is the easiest way to get into a busy hospital? Try to commit suicide.

(YES I KNOW I SPELLED SCUCIDE WRONG)

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

Wanna go to suicide school, then time travel to Hitler's bunker and ask him to teach you?

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

I saw someone who was about to jump off a bridge. They were wearing a Nike "JUST DO IT" shirt.