Suicide

Suicide jokes

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What type of people have the world record for most stories read in the shortest amount of time?

Emos, some of them are still in the air.

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

I told someone some jokes, y'know? "Fruit Ninja," "barcode legs," "French puppet thigh wrings." And she was like saying that's not cool and stuff. So she reported me, and it was like:

The counselor: "So I've heard you've been making sh jokes?" Me: "You say it like it's a bad thing." Her: "It is." Me: "Chill bro, it ain't that deep. Don't worry I'll end it :)"

What's one of the worst motivational things to say to a suicidal person?

“Hang in there!”

If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping off a roof.

I stood on the edge of a building and someone yelled, "Do a flip!"..... and I did.

A depressed kid takes a drink of water and someone takes it and takes a drink. "Oh come on, the train stopped, the rope broke, I couldn't get on the building, the gun was empty, the knife was dull, the bridge was too low, and the cliff was nonexistent, and now you took the poison!"

I went to Starbucks today and they asked what I wanted, and I replied with "to die, a shot of bleach, and an deppresso expresso."

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

Today a child asked if I was an angel. I asked why, and he said, "Mommy says that angels have marks on their wrists because they don't want to be in this world."

I get so many things stuck in my head, though, unfortunately none of them were a bullet.

"I wish I was either Christmas lights or a mistletoe."

"Why?"

"Because I want to hang!"

A man walks into a pharmacy and buys multiple containers of Tylenol, and the clerk asks why he's buying all of these. He replies with, "I'm playing 1 pill eat 100."