Suicide jokes

After a suicide joke say, "Don't leave me hanging, or I'll cut it out."

What’s the best way to get people to remember your birthday? Kill yourself.

I can get my grandma 50% off from her groceries by just scanning my wrist.

A guy tried to suffocate himself with his BMW exhaust, but his engine failed.

This is the first time German engineering fails to gas someone.

Wanna know why I don’t make suicidal jokes?

Because I am one.

My mom said she would miss me if I committed suicide, so we made it double.

What is the difference between a Walking Dead and you? He doesn't feel pain.

Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:

"What advice do you have for people out there?"

As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.

So there was a reason why I hated math.

I suck at problem-solving.

Thanks to the voice who keeps telling me to let go,

he is my only motivation for trying again.

Why did the Muslim man cross the road? To violently rape an eight-year-old girl, then indoctrinate her with Islamic scripture, and train her as a suicide bomber.

What type of people have the world record for most stories read in the shortest amount of time?

Emos, some of them are still in the air.

What do you call suicidal Hitler?

Slitler.

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

The last words of a depressive person are: "Yay, Freedom."

I told someone some jokes, y'know? "Fruit Ninja," "barcode legs," "French puppet thigh wrings." And she was like saying that's not cool and stuff. So she reported me, and it was like:

The counselor: "So I've heard you've been making sh jokes?" Me: "You say it like it's a bad thing." Her: "It is." Me: "Chill bro, it ain't that deep. Don't worry I'll end it :)"

What did the tree say to the kid with the rope?

Nothing, he was hanging.

What's one of the worst motivational things to say to a suicidal person?

“Hang in there!”

If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping off a roof.