Suicide jokes
Three men are working on a building site.
Every day, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.
The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.
"By god," the man exclaims, "I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years, and every day, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself."
The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.
"Holy crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Every day, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. I’m with you buddy—if I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, I’m killing myself."
The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.
"I don’t believe it—another tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time I’ve told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldn’t have to work on this sordid site no more! I’m sick of it—count me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, I’m killing myself."
The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man – a ham sandwich, the second – a cheese sandwich, the third – a tuna sandwich.
The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.
At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.
"If only I’d known how much he didn’t like ham sandwiches," says the first man’s wife, "I always thought he was being ironic!"
"And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like cheese sandwiches," says the second man’s wife, "I always thought he was being sarcastic!"
"And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like tuna sandwiches," says the third man’s wife, "but I don’t know what good it would have done—the fool made his own lunch!"
Me to friend: I'm homeschooled.
Friend: If I was homeschooled, I'd kms.
Me: Oh, I already tried that.
Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread.
That’s about to become a rope around my neck.
I tried to fight a razor. It cut me so deep I thought I would die.
Turns out he didn't kill me. I was never happy, but that shit made me angry.
A suicidal boy went up to a tree and said "hi".
The tree never responded; it left him hanging.
Why did the pencil want to kill himself?
He had no point in life.
Why did the math book kill itself?
It had too many problems.
Don't commit suicide, that stuff kills you.
The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office.
"I'm feeling like killing myself," he said.
"Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.
What’s the worst thing about being suicidal?
The school shooter will always spare you.
My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"
Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.
There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.
I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.
If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.
Said the man angered to his wife:
"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"
When you accidentally turn in your suicide note instead of your essay to the teacher, but she still gives you an A.
Wait, that's me.
Why did the Emo Chicken cross the road?
To get hit by a car.
"When is the best time to commit suicide?"
Ate a Glock in the morning.
What's a suicidal person's favorite type of bath bomb?
A toaster.