"Stop, that's mean! You're making fun of people with Down syndrome!"
Mom: Daddy, stop!
Me: No!
Mom: Ok, I just wanted you to do it like your father.
A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"
A man is out west driving and on the edge of town comes across a tourist stand and sitting in front is an Indian chief right out of central casting. Dour look, full headdress, a glass jar and a sign that says "Indian chief know all! $5". So the fellow's curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the chief, puts $5 in the jar and asks "What did I have for breakfast on this day 10 years ago?" Chief taps his chin for a moment and says "Hmmm eggs. You had eggs!"
"Eggs?" shouts the guy "Everybody has eggs! I've been had!" throws his hands in the air and leaves in a huff.
Ten years on, as fate would have it the fellow has occasion to be driving through the same town and sure enough he comes across the same stand, Indian chief, sign, and jar. So he stops the car and saunters across the road, goes up to the chief like a smart-ass, holds up his hand and says "How". Chief taps his chin for a moment and says "Poached."
A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a funny joke so the Guy replies "A guy walks into a bar..." The bartender says " Just stop and take your fucking drink
I wrote a passage to stop about bullying, and it was easy. Do you know why?
Because I am a bully!
What's the point of hiding the screaming speed bump you ran over? You might as well hit it again to A: Stop the screaming. B: Make it look like an actual speed bump. And C... You think it's hilarious the noise it makes when you ran over its stomach.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to start to build the still for Jill.
Jack stopped and said to drunkin' Jill, "To build this still will take so long."
Jill said to Jack, "Well, f--k the still and kiss my ass, and watch me take another pill!"
A twin engine has two engines.
If one engine stops, the other will have just enough power to get the plane to the scene of the accident.
I can't stop thinking about those beans.
What did the wire say to the electrician?
"Stop twisting my nuts!"
Jesus took bread and said, "This is my flesh!" Then he took wine and said, "This is my blood!" Then he took mayonnaise, and Peter said, "Holy shit, now we gotta stop him!"
What is a cat's favorite Queen song... Don't stop meow.
People need to stop taking life so seriously. After all, no one gets out alive!
Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "Your hair color is fabulous." Woman: "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store."
Man: "You look like a dream." Woman: "Go back to sleep."
Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Yes, I want you to leave."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not enter. -OR- Stop."
Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?" Woman: "I hate you."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
My brother and I were roughhousing and accidentally knocked over our bookshelf. My mom came in and started asking who knocked it over, to which I replied that I only had my shelf to blame.
Hey, can I axe you a question?
My brother likes to build "traps" to capture our cat so he can pet it. I said it wasn't gonna catch anyone, he replied with "not going to stop who?" I told him not to worry that it could capture any two.
Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."
Kid: "OK THANK YOU."
(AT BED TIME)
Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"
Ben: "I'm not."
(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"
According to all known laws of aviation,
there is no way a bee should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway
because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.
Barry! Breakfast is ready!
Coming!
Hang on a second.
Hello?
- Barry? - Adam?
- Can you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up.
Looking sharp.
Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.
Sorry. I'm excited.
Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.
A perfect report card, all B's.
Very proud.
Ma! I got a thing going here.
- You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me!
- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye!
Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!
An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.
Man: "Hey, cute lady!"
Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."
Man: "Not for long!"
And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.
Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"
Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."
Woman: "Never."
And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.
Man: "You look like a dream."
Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"
Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"
And then the man orders flowers and candy.
Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."
And the man shoots the bartender.
Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.
My son asked me, “What is angel cake made of?”
I reply by listing the ingredients in Mr. Kipling angel cakes. Then he shouts “STOP!” I stop as I reach food colorings. He slowly crawls towards me and says in a whisper, “Well, in my angel cake, I put angels in them.”
I freaked out about this, so I calmed down and asked who did you put in this angel cake. He said, “Grandma, the one who died last Saturday.”
