Stand up jokes
Why didn't Trump help someone who can't walk?
He thinks she should stand up for herself.
I can't stand up when I laugh hard; neither can they.
These jokes are EGGxactly why I became a comedian, and I know how to BAKE on breakfast.
2 jokes in a row babyyyyy!
There was a disabled kid at my door. He said, "I'm selling some cookies, want to buy one?" I said, "Well, if you stand up, sure."
I can't stand disability jokes.
Why couldn't Professor Xavier fight Magneto? Because he couldn't stand up for himself.
Teacher: Stand up if you think you are stupid.
After a while, a student stands up.
Teacher: So you think you are stupid?
Student: No, I'm not stupid. I just felt bad because you were standing by yourself.
Why did the people think Stephen Hawking was disrespectful?
'Cause he didn't stand up for the national anthem.
Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up.
Class: no one stands up.
Teacher: Oh c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *waves her finger around the left side of the room*
Little Johnny: *stands up*
Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb?
Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.
I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.
Alright, so I have a few orphan jokes. I'm gonna put them all in one message.
Why can't orphans be gay? They have no one to call "daddy."
Why can't orphans go on a field trip? Parent signature: ______
New teacher: I used to be an orphan as a kid. Students: hahaha Teacher: Is anyone missing? Students: No one, just your parents.
Why did the orphan become a prostitute? They kept calling everyone "daddy."
Why do orphans have the iPhoneX? Because it has no home button.
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad husband?
Because he doesn't stand up for his wife.
My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.
I was a sit-down comedian, then I tried to stand up. I fell.
I wished I stayed in the wheelchair.
Why do I tell bad jokes?
I'm a lesbian.
I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"
He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"
What sucks about disabled people?
They can't stand up for themselves.
I see, you guys jokers are SANS-ational!
A Middle Eastern man comes to the states to do a stand up show. He starts by saying “2 Jews walk into a bar, NOT IN MY COUNTRY!”
There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
What caused the Great Depression? A lack of comedians.