Stand up jokes

So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.

I ran into a dwarf and he said: "Well, I’m not Happy."

Then which one are you?

What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?

"This is a stand-up."

You guys should be ashamed of yourselves, making fun of the disabled. After all, they can't stand up for themselves.

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.

I was a sit-down comedian, then I tried to stand up. I fell.

I wished I stayed in the wheelchair.

I see, you guys jokers are SANS-ational!

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

What do you call the worst joke ever?

Well, according to my mom, I am.

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.

So the other day, I saw a child in a wheelchair.

He was getting bullied a lot, so I came up and said, "Why don't you stand up to those bullies?"

I always hated being born a Catholic as a kid. The way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over, and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church. I was always thinking, “For God’s sake, just pick a position and fuck me!”

What sucks about disabled people?

They can't stand up for themselves.

Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"

Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.

LOL

What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?

What is the worst comedy for disabled people?

Stand-up comedy!

Imagine Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady but could not stand up.

Teacher: Stand up if you think you are stupid.

After a while, a student stands up.

Teacher: So you think you are stupid?

Student: No, I'm not stupid. I just felt bad because you were standing by yourself.

Every time I tell a 911 joke, it bombs.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.