Stand up jokes
Why was the short person a coward? They didn't stand up to challenges.
I was doing a race, and I started after everyone 'cause I fell, but when I got up I realized I couldn't even race, not because I was behind, but because I can't go straight if I'm gay...
I don't joke about paraplegics; they wouldn't be able to stand up for themselves.
He was in a fight, then a person said, "Stand up for yourself!"
What's the difference between Chaplin and a politician in a wheelchair?
Chaplin does stand-up comedy, and the politician does sit-down... comedy.
Why couldn’t the bike stand up?
Because it was “two tired”!
My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.
Ever heard of rape jokes?
No?
Well, I'll MAKE you hear 'em!
I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"
He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"
Why can't Stephen Hawking win any arguments?
Because he can't stand up for himself.
My friend just got hit by a car and is now in a wheelchair. He is getting bullied, but I don’t understand why he just can’t stand up for himself.
Yo man, stand up.
*short person stands*
No, seriously man, stand up!
What do you say to a crippled man getting bullied?
"Why not you stand up for yourself?"
I stole a wheelchair from a disabled kid. What is he going to do, stand up?
Why would a dead guy lie?
Because he can't stand up.
Me going to the principal's after telling the kid with a wheelchair to stand up for himself.
What couldn’t the boy in the wheelchair do when he saw a bully? He couldn’t stand up for himself.
The kid in the wheelchair was getting bullied, so I encouraged him to stand up for himself. I don't know why he started crying.
Why do people in wheelchairs get bullied? Because they can never stand up for themselves.
Why did orphans have to drink their own piss?
Because last time they went to the bar, they went with their dad and drank some Corona, then got drunk and started eating someone's toenails, so his dad went to go get the milk and everybody had to evacuate the bar. Then the orphan started walking on his teeth and got listed for the top ten wanted animals in the world, so then he felt wanted and went to go home and had nobody to go to, so he found the beer bottle he drunk out of and started pissing in it so he wouldn't die and loved it. So then someone saw him in the bushes pissing in a beer bottle then drinking, so the person who saw him started recording and posted it on YouTube, and the boy became famous, so now he can feel like he was wanted in life after daddy went to go get the milk, then the little boy became really rich.