Stand up jokes
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
Why didn't Steven Hawkins get into fights?
'Cause he couldn't stand up for himself.
A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.
To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."
He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.
I'd make a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't fly anymore.
And if I tried it, it would probably crash and burn.
It just wouldn't help my comedy career take off.
A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.
This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"
"Of course," she says.
The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"
The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"
I was in a public bathroom in a handicap stall, and when I got out, a handicapped man told me that I was an a**hole. I told him, "Bet you won't stand up and say that to my face," and then he broke down.
I’m in a wheelchair and I can do stand-up comedy, oh wait...
Why was Stephen Hawking always bullied?
Because he couldn’t stand up for himself.
What comedy skill can’t any cripple master?
Stand up.
I bullied a handicap today.
What is he gonna do? Stand up for himself?
What do you call someone who makes a joke about society?
The Joker.
Son: Daddy, what's dark humor?
Dad: See that man over there with no arms or legs? Go tell him to stand up and clap.
Son: But Daddy, I'm blind.
Dad: Exactly.
Apparently Steven Hawking was a stand-up kind of guy.
Me: I want to be a stand-up comedian.
Friend: You have to be able to stand up.
Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"
Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.
LOL
What does a disabled person want to be when they grow up? A stand-up comedian.
POV you are drunk and telling jokes and no one is listening 😭😭😭
Haha, I have my own joke category now!
What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?
"This is a stand-up."
New teacher: Everyone stand up if you think you are stupid.
Student: Stands up.
Teacher: Why did you stand up?
Student: I hate seeing you stand up there by yourself.