Stand up jokes

The penis has a sad life. His hair is always a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him.

He also stands up for kids who can't defend themselves.

Why can't Stephen Hawking win any arguments?

Because he can't stand up for himself.

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

I asked a person in a wheelchair if they wanted to fight. All I had to do is say, "Stand up!"

I'd tell a bad baby joke, but I decided to abort.

If someone made a comedy routine about Terri Schiavo, would that be considered roasting a vegetable?

I'd make a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't fly anymore.

And if I tried it, it would probably crash and burn.

It just wouldn't help my comedy career take off.

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up, and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up, so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

Why do disabled people not like comedians?

Because they do stand up.

What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?

If I were a history teacher, I’d make the two twins stand up and throw a paper airplane at them.

Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"

Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.

LOL

Ever heard of rape jokes?

No?

Well, I'll MAKE you hear 'em!

Son: Daddy, what's dark humor?

Dad: See that man over there with no arms or legs? Go tell him to stand up and clap.

Son: But Daddy, I'm blind.

Dad: Exactly.

I went to a library and I started to make fun of a disabled guy. He started crying, and I said, "Stand up for yourself!"

I just had the worst gig of my life! I told yo mama jokes at the orphanage.

A girl in the shop was getting bullied. She came to me saying, "I’m getting bullied." I told her, "Stand up for herself."

So the other day, I saw a child in a wheelchair.

He was getting bullied a lot, so I came up and said, "Why don't you stand up to those bullies?"

No matter how hard I try, I will never be a stand-up comedian.

What does WTC stand for?

"What Trade Centre?"