Stand up jokes
Why do disabled people always get picked on?
Because they can’t stand up for themselves.
Friend: If you don't like my bad jokes, I will tell some stand up comedy.
Me: But you are not standing:)
I went to a library and I started to make fun of a disabled guy. He started crying, and I said, "Stand up for yourself!"
1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.
3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”
4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.
6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.
7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.
8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.
11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).
12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.
15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.
16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.
17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.
What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?
"This is a stand-up."
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and Rocket League? You can't stand up.
A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.
This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"
"Of course," she says.
The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"
The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"
What does a disabled person want to be when they grow up? A stand-up comedian.
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up, and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up, so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”
Son: Daddy, what's dark humor?
Dad: See that man over there with no arms or legs? Go tell him to stand up and clap.
Son: But Daddy, I'm blind.
Dad: Exactly.
None of these jokes really took off.
This is our motto- "Never fear orphans! You are even more special than diamonds."
Orphan club for ppl who stand up for orphans!
Me: I want to be a stand-up comedian.
Friend: You have to be able to stand up.
What makes Stephen Hawking and your dumped girlfriend similar?
They can't stand up for themselves.
What's the difference between Chaplin and a politician in a wheelchair?
Chaplin does stand-up comedy, and the politician does sit-down... comedy.
I’m going to reenact the ending of Saw (2004), except I won’t stand up and shut the door.
Why didn't Steven Hawkins get into fights?
'Cause he couldn't stand up for himself.
I asked a person in a wheelchair if they wanted to fight. All I had to do is say, "Stand up!"
There are 4 people in a line. Three stand up and say "We are standing up for cancer," and then there's the one in the wheelchair.
I was in a public bathroom in a handicap stall, and when I got out, a handicapped man told me that I was an a**hole. I told him, "Bet you won't stand up and say that to my face," and then he broke down.