What's green then red all over and goes 100mph?
A frog in a blender.
My favorite thing to do on my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.
What bumps up and down at 100km an hour?
A baby tied to the back of a speeding truck
Did you know the people in the twin towers were great readers?
Yeah, they went through 80 stories in seconds.
Why can’t pedophiles ever win races? Because they are always coming in a little behind.
Three drunk men get in a taxi. The driver knew they were drunk, so he started the car and turned it off. The first man gave him the money. The second man thanked him, but the third man slapped the driver. The driver, surprised that he noticed, asked why, and the third man replied with, "Why did you drive so fast?"
Man, don't you hate it when you hit a speed bump by and orphanage but then relies, there's no speed bumps here...
Q:What is red white and blue and fun to watch? A: a cop car rolling over after tryong to catch for speeding
Who are the fastest readers of all time?
People who jumped out of the Twin Towers. Why? Because they went through 13 stories within 5 seconds.
What did the cheetah tell the other cheetah when they had a test?
Cheetah cheetah!
Why did the cheetah get disqualified?
Because he was a cheetah, duh!
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?
I give a fuck if my computer crashes.
Why did the lion lose the race? Because he was playing with a cheetah.
A man needs to leave for a lengthy business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine.
He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts, “Voodoo Dick, the door!”
The wooden penis flies across the room and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cashier’s desk and, once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box, and the cashier closes the lid.
The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand,” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!”
The man nods and heads home.
Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip.
A few days later, the wife becomes very horny and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout, “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can but just can’t get it out. The wife panics and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims, “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!”
The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief.
“Voodoo Dick my ass, bitch.”
Who were the fastest runners ever? Adam and Eve. They were first in the human race.
Who's the fastest reader?
Me, 'cause I'll be jumping off so many stories.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
What bounces up and down at 100 miles per hour
A baby tied to the back of a pick up truck
"Guess how I got to Germany so fast?"
"Because I was Russian!"
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
