Your mama is so nasty.
She showed up to Red Lobster with her own crabs.
Why are orphans so bad at baseball?
Because they can’t get a home run.
Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.
I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.
Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
Your hairline is so far back that if you were a backbencher in class and I was a germ sitting on it, I would think that the rest of the backbenchers are seated in front of the class.
My girlfriend who is a Jehovah's Witness had sex with me so hard, she turned to Christianity.
Roses are red, violets are blue. Get over here so I can fuck you.
Why are orphans so bad at poker?
They don’t know what a full house looks like.
I don't understand why people get offended by incest jokes; they're so family friendly.
Ugh... I hate Anons so much, they're annoying as fuck.
You’re so fine that my zipper is falling for you.
My two friends came to me one day and said they had the best blowjob that they ever had from my little sister. So I ask my sister, "Is it true that you gave my friends blowjobs?" She said yes.
My sister asked me, "Do you want one?" I said yeah. My sister gave me a blowjob and wow, just like my friends, it was the best blowjob that I ever had. As an older brother, I couldn't be more prouder.
Your mom's been giving me attitude lately, so I told her to shut her mouth. When she did, it caused me to lose 4 inches.
Why do orphans like playing tennis so much?
Because it’s the only way they’ll ever get love.
Why don’t coffins have Wi-Fi?
Because they don’t want people to be so ‘connected’ while they’re trying to rest in peace.
My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
