Why don’t coffins have Wi-Fi?
Because they don’t want people to be so ‘connected’ while they’re trying to rest in peace.
My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"
The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."
The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"
The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."
The Sister answers, "We just got off Highway 101."
They're making a new Alien movie.
There are so many aliens you can't keep track.
If Kamala Harris is Indian, why doesn’t she have that dot on her head?
So she claims to be.
And the only black color I know is when you shut off the lights.
Yesterday during the storm, there was a blackout, so I shot him.
Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.
Where do babies get baptized? So the priest can wash their sex toys
Yesterday, there was a blackout on my street.
So I sold them.
What do you do to a deaf girl after you’re done fucking her?
Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.
Me: *sprays some perfume on myself*
Friend: Omg, that smells so good! You’re so aromatic, how do you not have a bf yet?
Me: ... I’m aromantic and aromatic. I do not desire romantic relationships with others although I do enjoy carrying lovely scents with me.
Your mom is so ugly that she uses Snapchat filters to make her pretty.
Your mom is so ugly that she made a mirror shatter.
Your mom is so dumb that somebody told her, "Go get a life," so she went to play Super Mario and got a 1-up.
I found a book called "How to Solve 50% of Your Problems." So I bought 2.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I went in as Batman.
Your mom is so dumb that she thought Dunkin' Donuts was a basketball team.
Your mom is so stupid that she thought LGBTQ was a sandwich.
Yo mama so ugly, when I put her next to a naked mole rat, it said "bluetooth connected."
