Someone jokes
Q: How do you know when someone is an opposition leader to Putin?
A: When they are falling from their balcony.
Go up to someone and say, "I'm sorry for your loss," and see what they do.
For someone to be stealing a bag of gold in Heaven, [they are] a criminal on Earth and [in] Heaven.
Why are Nepalese bad at chess?
Because someone already killed their king!
I made an advent calendar for a Jehovah’s Witness.
Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.
Sometimes I look at someone I hate and think, "I hope you get laid tonight."
By a tweaker with AIDS.
When the bully says, "You're adopted," so you hit him with, "At least someone wanted me!"
"When someone asks for a dad joke and you send them to the orphan page."
Someone said to me when it was winter it[’]s time for you to “chill out.” I was like 👁👄👁
When someone says "Did I ask?" say "Then why did you respond?"
Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, "Parking Fine!"
I'm bored. Someone wanna chat?
When someone says you're an orphan, say, "At least I was wanted, unlike you!"
Be grateful:
You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.
Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.
Me: Ok.
*Ring*
Me: Opens the door.
Oh sh*t!
Mom: Gets flip flop.
If you want to punch someone, just punch an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
Me: I finished a book with 100 pages.
Someone else: How was it?
Me: It's a long story.
If I had a coin for every time someone said, "If I had a coin," I'd still be living paycheck to paycheck.
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
Why is it that when in PE, it's fine for someone to say "boys against girls", but in public when I say "blacks against whites" or "boys against girls" I'm the bad guy?