Someone jokes

Yep, if someone says to you, "I can't roast trash," say, "Well, some trash is used for recycling, and that is why you have a baby brother!"

My friend was in Afghanistan when he saw someone got shot, and then they bombed him. Now he called them the "Talkwakers."

When someone says you're an orphan, say, "At least I was wanted, unlike you!"

Sometimes I look at someone I hate and think, "I hope you get laid tonight."

By a tweaker with AIDS.

I made an advent calendar for a Jehovah’s Witness.

Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.

Why are Nepalese bad at chess?

Because someone already killed their king!

I'm bored. Someone wanna chat?

Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, "Parking Fine!"

Someone said to me when it was winter it[’]s time for you to “chill out.” I was like 👁👄👁

Me: I finished a book with 100 pages.

Someone else: How was it?

Me: It's a long story.

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn't outsmart me.

If I had a coin for every time someone said, "If I had a coin," I'd still be living paycheck to paycheck.

Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.

Me: Ok.

*Ring*

Me: Opens the door.

Oh sh*t!

Mom: Gets flip flop.

Be grateful:

You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.

What do you call someone who fixes walls?

Juan, probably.

I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.

How is [someone] blessed with a 9 inch dick?

That priest is in jail now. Shout out to the church!

If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!

Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.

There was someone who slept late... he missed the dream!