Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.
Me: Ok.
*Ring*
Me: Opens the door.
Oh sh*t!
Mom: Gets flip flop.
Someone Jokes
Be grateful:
You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.
Why did the orphans go to the church?
Because they need someone to call "father."
What’s the only plus for someone who burns to death?
They get a discount at the crematorium.
How is [someone] blessed with a 9 inch dick?
That priest is in jail now. Shout out to the church!
There was someone who slept late... he missed the dream!
There were four people who went to land... only three returned... Why?
They left someone for memories!
A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.
First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.
Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.
If a pregnant lady murders someone, does the child get an assist?
What do you call it when someone lies to Panera Bread?
Panera misled.
When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”
What do you call it when Panera Bread decapitates someone?
Panera Behead.
Yo mama so fat when someone asked her to touch her chin, she asked, "Which one?"
If I had a coin for every time someone said, "If I had a coin," I'd still be living paycheck to paycheck.
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
Me: I finished a book with 100 pages.
Someone else: How was it?
Me: It's a long story.
If you want to punch someone, just punch an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
Is someone who is tardy again actually "retardy"?
What do you call someone who fixes walls?
Juan, probably.
