Someone jokes

If someone says nobody asked, you could say, "Well, nobody asked for you to talk!"

For someone to be stealing a bag of gold in Heaven, [they are] a criminal on Earth and [in] Heaven.

Someone forgot to do half the questions in the history test.

And that's what made him go down in history.

Go up to someone and say, "I'm sorry for your loss," and see what they do.

How does a non-binary ninja kill someone?

They slash them.

What did the blonde say when someone says, "Your baby is so cute?"

"For the last time, I don't want to sign up my child for Tindergarten just yet!"

Why are Nepalese bad at chess?

Because someone already killed their king!

Why are Nepalese 🇳🇵 bad at chess?

Because someone already killed their 👑.

Sometimes I look at someone I hate and think, "I hope you get laid tonight."

By a tweaker with AIDS.

I made an advent calendar for a Jehovah’s Witness.

Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.

Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, "Parking Fine!"

I'm bored. Someone wanna chat?

Someone said to me when it was winter it[’]s time for you to “chill out.” I was like 👁👄👁

When someone says "Did I ask?" say "Then why did you respond?"

Why did the orphans go to the church?

Because they need someone to call "father."

Be grateful:

You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.

When someone says you're an orphan, say, "At least I was wanted, unlike you!"

If I had a coin for every time someone said, "If I had a coin," I'd still be living paycheck to paycheck.

Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.

Me: Ok.

*Ring*

Me: Opens the door.

Oh sh*t!

Mom: Gets flip flop.

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn't outsmart me.