Someone jokes
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
The way you talk is so slow that they put you in the movie Fast and Furious and changed the title to Slow and Serious!!!😂😂😭
What do you call someone who fixes walls?
Juan, probably.
I'm at my happiest point in life. I'm dating someone that's autistic, and I was just saying I needed someone special in my life.
A note for my old English Teacher:
Mr. Colin, who loves making a din, He thinks everyone loves him, but little does he know, That's not what everyone shows, About his life he ploughs and ploughs, About his dog Bella and his relationship woes... Mr. Colin, we do not care, When you speak, our minds are not there, Your life you have unnecessarily shared, When we see you, our eyesight is impaired... Mr. Colin, rumbling about his exceptions, Just when someone puts something in the bin, Or chatters to someone, not even causing a din, But Mr. Colin, drinking too much gin, Will flail all his annoying attention on him, He'll push his limits, right to the rim...
And just how I love flan! Oh, he's finally gone!
Your hairline is like a lollipop because every time someone licks it, it gets shorter.
I saw someone who was about to jump off a bridge. They were wearing a Nike "JUST DO IT" shirt.
Ever heard of account stealing?
Ever heard of someone by the name of "#SHUT THE HELL UP GWEN DON'T EVEN DATE PRINCE ON FACE BOOK!!!!!!!! I HATE IT WHEN UR HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"?
You text someone to ask them why they snobbed you. Then they snob you again.
Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.
My middle name is Brian. I was so proud of being able to spell my full name till someone pointed out "Johnny Brain Walker" was incorrect.
What’s the difference between someone’s wife and a plate?
They both have to stay in the kitchen.
Why did the towers fall? Because someone in Call of Duty hijacked the planes and crashed them into it.
My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.
Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.
I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy!
what do baby’s and grenades have in common?
They both are silent but then when thrown at someone make a loud noise
When I saw someone jump out of one of the towers, I yelled, "Do a flip!"
What's the difference between Pikachu and an orphan?
At least someone chose Pikachu.
How do you know someone is autistic?
They get stuck in a loop very often.
Why did the orphan turn gay?
A: Because he wanted someone to call him "daddy."
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.