Me: Mom, the weight scale wants your weight, not your phone number!
What was the orphan's name?
Jake! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂🤣🤣😂🤣🤣😂😂
How many feminists does it take to fix a lightbulb?
9: one to screw the lightbulb, one to film it, one to post about it on a women empowerment social media page, one to complain that the man didn’t screw the lightbulb, one to say that women deserve to screw more lightbulbs, one to try to get #womenlightbulbscrewers trending on Twitter, one to bring a man and show him the screwing, one to say that women are better than men at screwing lightbulbs, and one to make a speech about the lightbulb.
When did I realize COVID was serious?
When I saw your teeth social distancing.
Hey guys, how was your day?
If you ask me the same question, here's the answer: depressing.
I still haven't made any friends on this app. All I do is read and comment on old jokes or opinions.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to eat Eminem.
Why did the crumb cake isolate himself? He had a crumbling social life.
Rape isn't a joke.
It's a type of way of making friends and to mate with other women.
It's a way of art, and works on anybody!
Like this if you agree.
Why are birds good at social media?
Because they "tweet" all the time!?
My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.
I’ll be hanging with them for a while.
Tell world's best yo mama joke to an orphan, then watch them cry.
The first thing the emo did at the party is to pin the gun to their head.
What is black, smells bad, and long? Line to social services.
What do you do if your online friend wants to commit suicide? You can't do anything, he's already on line.
My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."
In History class, the teacher taught a lesson about serial killer Albert Fish. Back in the early 20th century, Fish reportedly kidnapped, ate, and raped over 100 kids. He mainly chose victims who were either retarded or black. Further on the lesson, the teacher explained how in those days, black people were socially not equal with white people, and how people with mental illness were not accepted and treated properly due to a lack of knowledge of mental health.
One of the students raised their hand and said, “You ought to be arrested.” The teacher confusedly asked, “Why?” The student explained, “Because you’re thinking like Albert Fish.”
I went to the local butcher's and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies, "I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer!"
"What did you do with the meat slicer?" I asked.
The butcher says, "I had to fire her too!"
Alternative punchline:
"I had to call social services, she was only 14."
A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend says, "Where is your girlfriend?" The guy says, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week."
You're at a funeral. Your mum says be quiet, so you snigger at the body and say, "Bye forever, bitch."
Your hairline and your eyebrows are social distancing.
