This girl came to me and said, "I got raped in my sleep!"
I replied, "I done it as a joke."
-April 1, 2020
Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"
You realize you're in a paradox until you die. You'll see yourself die by murder, suicide, old age, etc.
Then you realize you're dreaming, but you realize that if you die in a dream, you die IRL.
Why did the silly girl put sugar under her pillow?
She wanted to have sweet dreams. π
Why did the dog πΆ wake up tired?
It had a ruff night. π
So here's the joke. A bear walks into a bar and sits down and then....then..........then................................zzzz
Why did Mary have a little lamb? Because a big one was too much in bed.
Whatβs the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party. A bitch sleeps with everyone at the partyβexcept you.
A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.
Why did the orphan sleep outside? ... Because he gets to wake up to Mother Nature.
A teacher is doing an experiment about taste. She tells each student to line up so she can give them each a lifesaver, so they can tell her what flavor it is. She gives Suzy a pineapple one. Suzy tries it, says the flavor, and then goes and sits back down. That is the same for everyone, then it is Jhonny's turn. The teacher hands him a honey flavor one. Jhonny chews it for a while, then says,
"Teacher, I don't know what it is.". The teacher tries to give him a hint and says, "it's what your parents call each other when you are asleep". Immediately the boy behind Jhonny screams, "Spit it out Jhonny, it's an asshole!!!"
When is it bedtime in the Jacksons' house?
When the big hand π meets the little π€.
Therapist: So how depressed would you say youβve been feeling lately?
Me: I donβt care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.
Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.
It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"
What time is it when you walk into a wall? Time to get to bed!
Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? Itβs a very touchy subject.
Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.
Don't you just hate it when you're the first one to fall asleep at a sleepover, and then you hear, "Prank em, John?"
Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."
Boy: "I know. Maybe if you were a little quieter, I could."
