Sleep jokes

Confusion life question!!!

* Can you cry underwater? * Do fishes ever get thirsty? * Why don't birds fall out the tree when they sleep? * Why is a building called that when it's already built? * When they say dog food is new and improved, who tastes it?

I pulled a prank on my friend the other day. I painted a portrait of the backrooms blueprints while he was sleeping. Still had some extra space.

I hate nightmares.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Goliath.

Goliath who?

I need to Goliath down and sleep!

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to wake up sleeping pills.

Kid: Hey, Mum, why are we pushing the car off the cliff?

Mum: Shut up, son, you’ll wake your father!

Why did the bike fall over?

It was too tired.

Q: What’s the difference between a sleeping lady and an onion?

A: One doesn’t scream when you try to chop it up.

What time should you go to bed when it's bedtime?

What do a man and a blonde do in bed?

Sleep!

What do you call a woman who sleeps with multiple men?

A whore.

Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.

The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.

Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.

On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.

This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!

Q) Why did the uncle sleep with his own nephew?

A) Cuz the boy wouldn't stop talking about Donald Trump every single weekend.

Why did the pillow cross the road?

To get to a mattress store!

Minecraft YouTube, but I can sing Believer!

YouTube, but I'm making a first video in YouTube.

And I record all the Minecraft videos and upload.

Ooohh! To try it and upload. Ooohh!

I've been recorded to streaming, couple more sleeps to do the dreaming.

I finally get to the stronghold, and if you told me, you told me, you told me, you told me.

Place some more ender eyes, and it's time to big surprise.

It's time to kill the ender dragon, go into the...

END!

Take that crystal, take that crystal, Believer, Believer!

Knock him down, knock him down, Believer, Believer!

Axe it's head, axe it's head.

Axe it's head, defeat him.

SUBSCRIBE!!!

Daddy bear said, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed!"

Mummy bear said, "It was probably your whore, Linda!"

Dad: "Honey, I'll be right back. I need to get some papers."

Me: "Okay." *Falls asleep.*

*Wakes up in an adoption center.*

Damn, it was those kind of papers.

There are two kids sitting in a classroom: Lily and John. Lily sleeps in class every day.

The teacher asks Lily who made heaven and earth. John pokes her with a pencil. She shouts, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"

The teacher says, "That's right."

The teacher says the next day she asks the same question. John pokes her with a pencil. She shouts, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"

"That's right," the teacher says.

The next day she asks Lily what did Eve say to Adam after their 100th. John pokes her again. "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'mma break it in half!" she shouts.

What happens when Stephen Hawking wakes up from his sleep?

"Log in."

I had a dream about a car, and I woke up exhausted.