Sleep jokes
Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.
Why go to sleep because he was bossy?
What do you call a pillow that has been on the bed for 20 years in jail?
A criminal! ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
You Poker Face.
How do you put a baby alien to sleep?
You rocket. ๐๐๐
Why do girls rub their eyes after they wake up in the morning? because they don't have balls to scratch.
Therapist: So how depressed would you say youโve been feeling lately?
Me: I donโt care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.
Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.
Lemme tell you a little story.
Itโs night. Youโre in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing itโscratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself itโs rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slowโฆ then faster.
So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.
Your heartโs pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweatโs dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.
And finallyโฆ you peel back the last plank.
And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.
BOOOOOOO!!!!
Itโs Anne Frank.
"Rock-a-bye baby on the treetop, When the wind blows, the baby will drop. Then the baby will lay on the ground, Not moving a muscle, not making a sound."
What do people say to knights when they go to bed? Good knight!
Me: Good night, everyone.
My friends and family: Night.
Me: *gets in coffin*
My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?
My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.
What do you call a sleeping cow?
Ground beef.
Yo mama's so stupid she got locked in Mattress World and slept on the floor.
Dad: No, Timmy, you don't have to worry, there is no monster sleeping under your bed, it sleeps every night in the bed next to me.
When a man sleeps with a lot of women, he's called a stud. When a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she's called your mum.
I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
Dad: "Honey, I'll be right back. I need to get some papers."
Me: "Okay." *Falls asleep.*
*Wakes up in an adoption center.*
Damn, it was those kind of papers.
Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?
I wake up and I find myself on the floor.
How to get a girl in three steps:
Step 1: grab a pillow.
Step 2: grab a blanket.
Step 3: keep dreaming.
A woman once didn't return home for the night, and the next morning when she arrived home, her husband started questioning her about where she had been. She lied, saying she slept at one of her friends' houses.
The man proceeded to call all her friends, all of whom denied her sleeping at their places the previous night.
Meanwhile, somewhere else, a man didn't return home to his wife for the night either. The following morning, his wife started questioning him, and he lied, saying he slept at a friend's house. She proceeded to call all his friends. All of them said that he indeed slept at their places the previous night, and one of them even insisted that he's still there, but he's using the bathroom and he can't talk right now!