Sleep jokes

What's 2ft long, blue, and stiff and keeps a woman up all night?

Cot death.

Your mama is so stupid, she put a ruler under her pillow to measure how long she slept.

Confusion life question!!!

* Can you cry underwater? * Do fishes ever get thirsty? * Why don't birds fall out the tree when they sleep? * Why is a building called that when it's already built? * When they say dog food is new and improved, who tastes it?

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to wake up sleeping pills.

What do you call a woman who sleeps with multiple men?

A whore.

My wife and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night. Afterwards, I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"

I hate nightmares.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Goliath.

Goliath who?

I need to Goliath down and sleep!

Kid: Hey, Mum, why are we pushing the car off the cliff?

Mum: Shut up, son, you’ll wake your father!

I pulled a prank on my friend the other day. I painted a portrait of the backrooms blueprints while he was sleeping. Still had some extra space.

I put a guy in a fridge. He said, "I had a nightmare!"

Why did the bike fall over?

It was too tired.

You're like a cat, all you do is eat and sleep.

Why go to sleep because he was bossy?

Dentist said I grind in my sleep... he a real one for that.

Guy on Fortnite: "Ima sleep with your mom lmao."

Orphan: Starts crying.

What do you call a sleeping cow?

Ground beef.

From now on, we’re gonna call shitting the bed an “Amber Alert.”

I played catch with my friends, but they keep going to sleep when I throw it.

How do you make a child’s parents happy?

Put the child to sleep.