Short jokes
If you're bored, punch an orphan. What are they going to do? Tell their parents?
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad role model? -- He doesn't stand for anything.
I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't stand for the pledge. She was in a wheelchair.
Once there was an old lady...
Congratulations, stop bragging!
Mom asks, "Who are you talking to?"
The child said, "A mistake."
Did you know nine of ten dentists recommend oral sex?
Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?
A: "It's me, Luigi!"
Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.
Q: Why did the family want to move out while the neighbors were playing tennis?
A: Because they were a racquet!
Hey I have a joke for you.
My life hahah. I wanna die.
Freshman: Hey, what's better, Ford or Chevy?
Senior: I don't f**kin' care as long as it drives.
Freshman: So, I'm guessing it's Chevy?
If you turn the word "racecar" backwards, it says "racecar".
But if you turn the racecar sideways, you have Paul Walker's blood on your hands.
Your mama's so fat, she needed NASA to make her ID card!
When your baby is stillborn and you have a funeral, what song should you never play?
Alphaville - "Forever Young."
SCP-1540 transforms in-front of a d-class:
D-class: Whoa dude, you’re a wolf!
SCP-1540: A am a were.
We have some leak in the fridge. I'm surprised nobody has called a plumber.
What is money called on the moon?
Mooney.
Your classmate: You're so ugly.
Me: That's what your mom said when she had you and called you a mistake.
Did you hear that Ted Nugent had a beer thrown at him at one of his shows?
Answer: He was okay. It was a draft, so he dodged it easily!
What did the booty say when it was asked to help?
"I've got your backside covered!"