Short jokes

Mary's mother was a good person. Why did she die?

Because she got stabbed in the heart 60 times by a switchblade.

What do pedophiles and Sandy Hook have in common?

Shooting up schoolchildren.

RIP Stephen Hawking who was buried today... he did always love black holes.

Did you hear about the new German microwave? It has ten seats in it.

I have a friend who has no arms, her name is Suzy. I always tell her this one knock knock joke, "Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" Not Suzy.

What’s the difference between football and rape?

Women don’t like football.

How do you know if someone is anorexic? You toss them a onion ring and see if they eat it, or use it as a hula hoop.

What's black and white and hard as nails? A nun on speed!

Have you heard about the movie "Constipation"?

No, because it never came out...

What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's cunt?

Putting in 12 and sucking out 13.

What do you call a homeless bounty hunter?

Hobo Fett!

A pun enters the room and kills ten people.

Pun in, ten dead.

I fear my last words will be "hold my beer and watch this."

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

Orphan: "I want to be a superhero."

Me: "You should be Batman."

Also me: *starts laughing* because Batman doesn't have parents...

Q: What does Abraham Lincoln have in common with a poor quality pirated movie?

A: They were both shot in a theater.

I had to write an essay about Africa, and I failed because I plagiarized the Hunger Games script.

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises.

Your hairline goes so far back it went back to when Earth was created.

What do you call a Black person going down a waterslide? Sewage.