Short jokes
I gave a deaf kid air pods for his birthday.
Q. If I go 1 on 1 with Harvey Weinstein, I won't get raped?
A. I'm not a 14-year-old girl.
What's the difference between my mum and my dad?
My mum stayed.
Fun fact: The body positivity movement is the only movement without any actual movement.
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
Why does Michael Jackson like Chef Boyardee? He likes the little balls.
Every time I tell a 911 joke, it bombs.
Six was scared of seven because 7 8 9, so why was 10 scared? Because he was caught between 9/11.
What does a noisy chilli do?
It gets jalapeno business.
Why don’t Asians use phones?
Cuz they wing da wrong number!!!
Ever heard of iLadies? I laid deez nutz on yo' face!
Dad joke time:
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake.
The people in the Democratic Party are how I like my coffee.
Black and bitter.
A shop assistant is helping a little boy find his mum.
"What's she like?" he asked the boy.
"BIG COCKS AND VODKA!" said the boy.
What did Michael Jackson say to the little boy?
"Shhhhhhh, this might hurt a little."
What is harder than steel?
Michael Jackson on a primary school oval. 😂
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it goes to get the milk yet never comes back.
Miss you dad.
Why was Timmy the only happy person in his family?
Timmy is dead.
Why did the car key never fit in?
He was too door key.
So, I was in the church the other day, raping this woman, when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'