Short jokes

God: You're gonna have 2 parents.

Orphan: Double it and give it to the next person.

I saw a monkey outside of school and said, "Look, a monkey!" I got expelled the next day.

You know that at Walmart they have backpacks next to the guns? Well, I thought that it was nice to see the bags next to the school supplies.

An Asian went to bed at 9:00, woke up at 6. People say he's still sleeping.

Your ma is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.

After an intense workout, I finally have the body I've always dreamed of.

It's in my basement.

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

You're so bald that your hairline is receding faster than my bank account after a trip to Las Vegas.

Miscarriage jokes aren't funny, just cut it out.

There is an Afghan Barbie; it’s a blow-up doll.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.

A photon is checking into a hotel.

The bellhop asks him, "Do you have any luggage?"

The photon replies, "Nope, I'm traveling light."

What is the difference between the Twin Towers and Elton John?

Elton John is still standing.

What do orphans and garbage have in common?

They’re both in the street, and no one wants to pick them up.

Why do people hate abortion jokes?

It leaves you with an empty feeling inside.

Yo mama so ugly, when I put her next to a naked mole rat, it said "bluetooth connected."

I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.

How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?

Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.

What do you do when a woman is choking?

Back up a couple inches.

Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?

Neither one of them, they eat out.