Short jokes
You are so ugly Santa goes "ho ho ho holy sh*t."
Yo mama is so ugly that Satan started going to church!
Why is Santa so happy? He knows where all the naughty girls and ho ho hos live.
Yo mama so fat, she called Dr. Seuss and he couldn’t even rhyme back.
A computer usually has a HARD drive. LESSON. No wonder they remember things.
On my Tinder profile, I said, "I prefer quality over quantity." I just thought it sounded nicer than saying "no fat birds."
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
"Float like a butternut, sting like a bee."
Why did Elsa let go of the balloon?
Car show: "Let It Go," get it?
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous, aka cashews.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io!
Your mom is so ugly her face would split in half when she sees you.
As a kid, I used to eat a sour herb from a certain spot near a rock.
Now I pee on it, just following the ritual of Africa.
My dad had a very unfortunate accident with his death. I clearly asked for Jammy Dodgers and got Bourbons!
Please stop hurting people's feelings, or they'll hang around the house.
The Pope drives around in a glass box, or as I like to call him, a sniper's dream.
Banana bread is cute.
What does a kid do when he's bored and he's sitting? He puts wheels on the chair and makes it a wheelchair.
Gwen, please just come back. I love you and I miss you so much!