Short jokes
What do you call two bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
Guess what Sally got for Christmas? Gloves! Jk, she still hasn't opened it.
You are so small that you play hockey against the curb!
If you're having a bad day, just remember the Blobfish exists.
When they spilled coffee on his neck, he got hot under the collar.
Bully: You are a piece of shit.
Person: No, I'm not a piece, and I'm not brown... so no, honey.
I knead bread.
What do you call a fish with no legs?
Fsh have no legs.
What do you do with legs?
Fsh have no legs.
What do you do with legs?
Break!
Imperial Pilot: What do you think about the new Tie fighter?
Palpatine: Flew it.
My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.
Why were parts of the Soviet Union that had more industry than agriculture occupied during WW2?
They couldn't beet the Nazis.
I'm supposed to put a joke here.
But I can't find a mirror...can you find one yourself?
I'm sure you'll laugh.
My mom told me she couldn't open the garage door. Then it opened up to me that it wasn't broke anymore.
A french fry was talking to a potato, but the potato didn't understand what he was saying.
It was because he didn't speak French.
Q: Why did the vegetable cross the road?
A: 'Cause someone let go of the handle bars.
A friend of mine chews gum, lays back to yawn, then chokes on the gum. Then I said, "God, what, you choking on dick?"
5+2 = 7
But 4+3 also = 7
So take your own path.
What did the skeleton say when his girlfriend said, "I'm gonna break your heart?"
He says, "Go ahead, you're not breaking my 206 healthy bones!"
It's okay to tell a Stephen Hawking joke if there are stairs in your house he can't get to you. Plus, he shut himself down, so it's all good :)
Stroke victims are my heroes.
My favorite is Louis C.K.