Short jokes
If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
I love Brussel sprouts more than I love myself.
What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? -- Identical.
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
- Carlos.
What is Mozart doing right now? -- Decomposing.
Patient: "I'm starting to forget things."
Doctor: "Since when have you had this condition?"
Patient: "What condition?"
Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.
Why do Java Programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.
If you give a gator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.
I started a band called 999 megabytes... we still haven't gotten a gig.
Why did the scientist want to take off his doorbell?
Because he wanted to win the no-bell prize.
Where did Sally go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
Suicidal people are a big contributor to the rope making industry.
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
Why can't blind people eat fish?
Because it's sea food.