A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind

What’s the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset

Why did they invent glow in the dark condoms So gay guys can play star wars

I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell they come with an Elon Musk

You’re mamma’s so ugly, even the toaster wouldn’t get in the bathtub with her.

There’s nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

if you’re ever bored, punch an orphan. what are they gonna do? tell their parents?

when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens? When he asked who the best composer was they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

How did the orphan become famous ? They said “Go Big or Go Home”

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure Wonderful saying, Horrible way to find out you were adopted.

Children should never run with scissors and lesbians should never scissor with the runs

Why do Java Programmers wear glasses? - Because they don’t C#.

whats one thing gay people can’t draw? a straight line.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None they just arrest the lightbulb for being broke and beat the room for being black