Short jokes
What did Steven Hawking say?
Nothing.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My girlfriend is like Toys R Us.
She does not exist.
What's the fastest way to Shepherd's Bush?
Up Shepherd's leg.
What did the skeleton say to Shrek?
"Jump on me. I can have two layers of skin too."
Life is beautiful, but you are ugly.
No, no, no, no. Spot the intruder.
There's no one.
One day an old woman came into the bank and asked me to check her balance... So, I pushed her over.
What do you get when you throw a pebble in the ocean?
A wet pebble.
What's the difference between a chicken and me? None, they both don't watch right and left before crossing the road.
qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm!
What does Christian say when he wants out of jail?
"Bale me out!"
Your dick is like a shotgun, one cock and you're ready to fire.
Do you wanna hear a joke about vegetables? Never mind, it's too corny.
Roses are red, Violets are twisted, Come back to my place, You might get fisted.
What did the mechanic say to the other mechanic when he broke the car?
"How will we wrench ourselves out of this?"
A wife asks her husband: Am I pretty or ugly?
The husband answers her: Pretty.
The wife responds: Thank yo-
The husband interrupts her: Pretty ugly!
Why does everybody like the sun? Because it's hot.
What does Mickey's wife drive?
A Minnie-Van!
What did the cow say to his relatives on Christmas day?
Moorry Christmas!
(Even though cows can't really have religions.)