That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they’ve seen your dog.

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except Abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.

Hi, Welcome to Dave’s Orphanage you make them we take them how may I help you?

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? – America.

When someone calls you say this, Hi Welcome to Dave’s Orphanage, You make them We take them how may I help you! :)

if you’re ever bored, punch an orphan. what are they gonna do? tell their parents?

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None they just arrest the lightbulb for being broke and beat the room for being black

Children should never run with scissors and lesbians should never scissor with the runs

“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”

I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry.

Onions was a good dog.

If trees could kill you, they wood.

Where can you find some of the world’s largest vegetables? – In an American nursing home.

We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!

A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind

Did you know Hellen Keller has a pool? Neither did she.

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital? Reload and keep shooting

Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos? – Because the sign says No Tres passing.

Why do orphans love boomerangs? Because they actually come back

Why did they invent glow in the dark condoms So gay guys can play star wars