Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos? – Because the sign says No Tres passing.

Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school

Woman: Doctor, where are we going? Doctor: To the morgue. Woman: I’m not dead yet, doctor. Doctor: We’re not at morgue yet, either

My future is so bright, i need a flashlight to see where i’m going

There’s a movie about constipation. It hasn’t come out yet.

I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry.

Onions was a good dog.

Condoms? HA! Those are for pussies!

I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.

I will always remember my grandpa’s last words: Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!

roses are dead, violets are dead, I am a bad gardener.

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters, …

so Trump can’t tweet it.

Why did the blind man fall down the well?

He couldn’t see that well.

Hi, Welcome to Dave’s Orphanage you make them we take them how may I help you?

How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?

Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don’t know. He hasn’t opened it yet.

What does a wizard say when doing drugs? Injecto Patronum!

That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they’ve seen your dog.

Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide,” and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand. – It’s seven.