After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
How does Moses prepare his tea? -- Hebrews it.
Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?
Because there were too many knights.
A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.
Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.
There's a movie about constipation. It hasn't come out yet.
When I die, can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?
"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
When he asked who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.
What's Thanos' favorite game?
Half-life.
These jokes cheered me up from suicide. This is amazing material. God bless all of you.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they've seen your dog.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.
Onions was a good dog.
The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters, ...
so Trump can't tweet it.
The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your IQ.
Why doesn't the Sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees.
I don't like to use the word "kidnapping". So I just use the term: "surprise adoption."
