Short jokes

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

There's a movie about constipation. It hasn't come out yet.

When I die, can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

When he asked who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."

"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."

Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.

How does Moses prepare his tea? -- Hebrews it.

Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

Because there were too many knights.

What's Thanos' favorite game?

Half-life.

I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.

Onions was a good dog.

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.

These jokes cheered me up from suicide. This is amazing material. God bless all of you.

What do you call a singing laptop?

A Dell.

Titanic was sinking.

Passenger: "How far are we from land?"

Captain: "Two miles."

Passenger: "Which direction?"

Captain: "Down."

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters, ...

so Trump can't tweet it.

That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they've seen your dog.

If depression is going to be my girlfriend, will she leave me?