Short jokes
I tried to make vegetable soup today, but the wheelchair didn't fit in the pot.
I saw identical twins. I threw a paper plane at them.
I am glass! People see right through me.
What is the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting up.
Girl: How much do you love me?
Me: Count the stars in the sky.
Girl: Aww, it's infinite!
Me: No, just a waste of time.
What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?
They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”
Donald: "If I lose this election, I will leave the country."
Joe: "Bi den"
I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.
Person 1: Stop making suicidal jokes!
Person 2: Okay, okay, I’ll cut it out.
Person 1: Really?
Person 2: They're not even that deep.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
What do you call a happy child swinging with her friends at recess?
Not Sally.
What do you get when you cross a road with a stalker?
Raped.
Why did the Chinese woman hang up? Because she Wang the Wong number.
I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.
It was soda-pressing.
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
Did you hear about the monkeys that share an Amazon account? They were prime mates.
Sans: Wow, seems you’re really working yourself... down to the bone!
Me: Man, I wish my clothes were emo.
Friend: Why?
Me: So they would hang themselves.
What do the movies The 6th Sense and Titanic have in common?
Icy dead people.