My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
Stephen hawkings is such a bad role model for our kids
He only ever looks one way when crossing the street
If trees could kill you, they wood.
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
There was a kidnapping at school.
Don't worry, he woke up.
Friend:How dark is your humor? Me:It picks cotton
I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun, but NaH
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
There's a movie about constipation. It hasn't come out yet.
Cremation, The last chance for a smoking hot body.
When I die can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?
Today was a bad day, their was a man throwing butter and cheese at me, how dairy
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
What do you call it when a midget waves at you? A microwave
I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where i should put my pants. "next to mine" was not the answer i was expecting
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
What did the wind say to the palm tree? Hold onto your nuts this is no ordinary blow job.
If you push some one that's bullying, if you kill some one that's murder, if there is no evidence it's nothing
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world
A man gats kicked out of police camp after writing "Who's that Pokémon" next to all of the chalk outlines
