Short jokes
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
How did Rihanna know that Chris Brown was cheating on her? There was a different color of lipstick on his knuckles.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.
Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.
A man gets kicked out of police camp after writing "Who's that Pokémon?" next to all of the chalk outlines.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.
"Rehab's for quitters, and I don't give up."
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your IQ.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.
If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking Fanta make you fantastic?
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
What kind of bees eat brains?
Zombees.
What is Mozart doing right now? -- Decomposing.
What do lesbians cook for dinner?
They don't, they just eat out.
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.
I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."
What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person
You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message