I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
What does a wizard say when doing drugs? Injecto Patronum!
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
What did the wind say to the palm tree? "Hold onto your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job."
There was a kidnapping at school.
Don't worry, he woke up.
What do you call it when a midget waves at you?
A microwave.
I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun, but NaH.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot.
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.
If you push someone that's bullying, if you kill someone that's murder, if there is no evidence it's nothing.
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It picks cotton.
I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.
Cremation,
The last chance for a smoking hot body.
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Why are the twin towers mad?
They ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plain.
If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking Fanta make you fantastic?
Today was a bad day. There was a man throwing butter and cheese at me, how dairy!
New Teslas don't come with a new car smell; they come with an Elon Musk.
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.
