Short jokes
Why was the orphan so successful?
When they told him go big or go home, he only had one option.
Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.
Orphan: But why?
Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.
What film do orphans hate?
"Instant Family."
For someone to be stealing a bag of gold in Heaven, [they are] a criminal on Earth and [in] Heaven.
What’s black and long?
The Chick-fil-A line.
Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.
I told her, "Do a wheelie!"
Q: What do you call a gay cowboy?
A: A jolly rancher.
One time Uma Thurman was Poison Ivy; she was weird in that, except for her punny jokes.
What do you call an accomplished opera singer with recurring gonorrhea?
Standing ovation!
Dad: Boy, come sit in this hole while I brace the ground.
Boy: I don't want to see Grandpa, he scares me!
Your forehead so big you got to go outside to think.
Quoting the great Jimmy Carr: "When I cook, I make sure there are vegetarian options. They can make do, or they can fuck off."
You learn something new every day.
Like the people in 9/11 are the world's fastest readers; they went through 100s in under a second.
If you kayak with a cap on and the kayak capsizes, whether or not the cap falls off depends on the cap size.
My mates threw nuts at the wall, now we call them walnuts.
Hahaha :)
Q: What do you get when the cow jumped over the barbed wire? A: Udder destruction!
Me: Hey, are your parents here?
Orphan: (crying) STOP CALLING HERE!
I was wearing a George Floyd t-shirt, and a person said to me: "That must be a bit tight round the neck."
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.
My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. He said, "Get your paws off my toy!"