Short jokes

What did Hitler say after his parents bought a hauler?

How much did the haulla-cost?

I'm a family doctor and I wish I could help but... you're an orphan.

I called the suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Everything disappears in the Bermuda Triangle.

Except my depression.

What do blind kids and orphans have in common? Neither of them can see their parents.

Are you suicide? Cause I'm tryna commit to you.

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is, until my mom took the urn away from me.

What do you call an emo that likes pizza? A pizza cutter.

My friend: "Ess, stop with the self-harm jokes it's not funny."

Me: "C'mon it's not that deep."

Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

What's the difference between a grape, an apple, and an arm? You don't slice a grape.

Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.

I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...

You know what really gets me under my skin when I'm down? Sharpener blades.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

Why can't the USA and England play chess?

USA has no towers and England has no queen.

They'll never do reverse cowgirl because you never turn your back on family.

What do you call an orange on a small stick?

Donald Trump.

I know what I want to be for Halloween! A pumpkin! I'm very good at carving into myself, after all.