Short jokes

I called the suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Everything disappears in the Bermuda Triangle.

Except my depression.

What do blind kids and orphans have in common? Neither of them can see their parents.

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

Are you suicide? Cause I'm tryna commit to you.

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is, until my mom took the urn away from me.

What do you call an emo that likes pizza? A pizza cutter.

My friend: "Ess, stop with the self-harm jokes it's not funny."

Me: "C'mon it's not that deep."

Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

What's the difference between a grape, an apple, and an arm? You don't slice a grape.

Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.

I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...

You know what really gets me under my skin when I'm down? Sharpener blades.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

I told the emo girl that I bet she's jealous of the hanging lights in the gym.

What do you call an emo a cappella group?

Self harmony.

Why can't the USA and England play chess?

USA has no towers and England has no queen.

I know what I want to be for Halloween! A pumpkin! I'm very good at carving into myself, after all.

I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.

I got detention yesterday because I told the emo kid to "Hang in there."