Short jokes

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?

Their knees.

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten. "1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."

My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Will glass coffins be a success? -- Remains to be seen.

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

What rock group has four men that don't sing? -- Mount Rushmore.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.

What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.

What's Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom? -- How I bought your mother.

Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.