Short jokes
What do you do when your baby starts screaming?
Use more lube.
Fruit is like ex-wives.
They both look really good hanging from a tree.
It's said Duracell batteries are supposed to last 75 years, well Stephen, here you are.
My mom's name is Angel, and she is nothing like one!
Especially in bed...
What do Stephen Hawking and the Wicked Witch have in common?
If you throw water over them, they both die...
One dollar bill is with a five dollar bill. The five says, "I make more cents than you."
When we were visiting the Hoover Dam, I started to get a bit hungry. I asked my parents, "Where's the dam snack bar?"
What do Chinese people order: noodles in bed with some fried cat?
What do you call a person with an "a" in their autism?
Why do cows die?
'Cuz they are to beef.
Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.
Kid starts short-coming people in school. Teacher asks, "Why are you doing that?"
He responds, "I wanted to paint the walls red for Christmas!"
I went to Pen Island for vacation this summer. There were a lot of bones.
God: “Steven, join us.”
*sees the staircase to heaven*
Steven: “Shit.”
What's Gru's favorite Beyoncé lyric? "Who run the world... Gorls."
Hey God, what are you making?
Just a wooden stick that lights on fire.
Sounds like a match made in heaven.
Porn *sex noises*
Let me Lickitung until you Squirtle.
Why do leaves change color in the fall?
Because they want to leaf their old color.
What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most?
The “cold and passed out” kind.