Short jokes

I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support Windows.

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”

Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon....I'll let you know.

How do flat-earthers travel?

On a plane.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.

Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.

What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

Did you know that the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable!

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The Bushes.

What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barber-queue.

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.