Short jokes
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io!
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times? A Brazil nut.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts!
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Butter. Butter who? I butter not tell you.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
I am always high, welcome to bipolar disorder. LMAO. (Don't bother to like or comment, I just had to say this.)
They asked JFK Jr. if he wanted to shower before his flight. He said, "No, I'll just wash up on shore!"
Did you hear about the bisexual from Alabama? He can't decide whether to fuck his brother or his sister.
Why don’t midgets fight? They walk away to be the bigger man.
Why can’t a blind person be a teacher? Because they can’t control their pupils.
So.. err actually, don’t worry. I was gonna make a joke about dead babies, but I had to abort.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
On my Tinder profile, I said, "I prefer quality over quantity." I just thought it sounded nicer than saying "no fat birds."
How many people can you fit in a car?
6 - 3 in the back, 2 in the front, and my nan in the ashtray.
My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"
I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"
What's the difference between a bad joke and an actually bad joke?
An actually bad joke is not funny, like this one!